


shadowtexters

by potentiallythiswillbegay



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Group chat, M/M, Multi, Swearing, Texting, average teenage shenanigans, chat fic, i use the word QUEER a lot but never as a slur just fyi, its mainly show-canon characters ft. the book canon, so much gay, there are various other fandom references because i can't help myself sorry, there'll be a happy ending for most things, you can tell at ~chapter 19 i lose motivation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 22,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9891908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiallythiswillbegay/pseuds/potentiallythiswillbegay
Summary: nothinglessthanseveninches added alighterwood, thehotblonde, redheadartist, lewissimonlewis, magnusificant, alinepenhallow and halffairhalfgay to the chat.nothinglessthanseveninches: welcome everyone!alighterwood: ...really izzy?lewissimonlewis: this should be fun!aka a shadowhunters high school au group chat. a lot of emotional queer teenagers in one chat.what could possibly go wrong?





	1. no one is straight except for jace

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Squad™](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7591864) by [jacesimon (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/jacesimon). 



> ahh so this is my first ao3 fic, and my first shadowhunters fic, despite reading heaps on here. any edits or suggestions, please leave a comment below!

**_nothinglessthanseveninches added alighterwood, thehotblonde, redheadartist, lewissimonlewis, magnusificant, alinepenhallow and halffairhalfgay to the chat._ **

 

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : welcome everyone!

_alighterwood_ : ...Really Izzy?

_lewissimonlewis_ : this should be fun!

_redheadartist_ : oh, this is such a good idea iz

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : why thank you babe

_magnusificant_ : I agree with the biscuit, this is a great idea Isabelle.

_thehotblonde_ : who exactly is in this chat?

_lewissimonlewis_ : I’m here

_thehotblonde_ : oh crap

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ty magnus, be nice jace. everyone, show yourselves.

_alinepenhallow_ : isn't this just our friends from school + magnus?

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : yup! excluding Lydia, because she is a poop.

_alinepenhallow_ : cool. good idea izzy.

_alinepenhallow_ : helen is here with me as well

_alinepenhallow_ : hey! – h

_magnusificant_ : my favourite girlfriends on a date?

_alinepenhallow_ : kind of? helen invited me over. not sure whether it’s a date or extreme babysitting.

_redheadartist_ : oh yeah, how many siblings do you have again helen?

_redheadartist_ : also, i'm hurt magnus. i thought me and izzy were your favourite girlfriends

_alinepenhallow_ : six; four brothers and two sisters. I’m the oldest. – h

_magnusificant_ : you are, biscuit.

_alighterwood_ : I have three and they already drive me insane, I can’t imagine having double that amount

_thehotblonde_ : I am offended alec!

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : same here! I am hurt and wounded!

_alighterwood_ : jace, you are so cocky that it offends anyone who is near you.

_alighterwood_ : izzy, that name is hurtful enough to everyone who may read it.

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : …

_thehotblonde_ : …

_lewissimonlewis_ : damn. sassy alec returns, this time through social media.

_magnusificant_ : is this what I miss out on during lunches?

_redheadartist_ : yeah basically

_redheadartist_ : plus, a lot more gayness

_magnusificant_ : that’s almost a given, biscuit.

 

**_lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘no one is straight’_ **

 

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : accurate

_thehotblonde_ : I’ll have you know I am straight!

_redheadartist_ : actually?

_thehotblonde_ : y e s

_redheadartist_ :

_lewissimonlewis_ : you are forevermore going to be the token straight friend

_thehotblonde_ : no way

 

**_alighterwood changed thehotblonde’s nickname to ‘token cocky straight one’_ **

 

_token_ _cocky_ _straight_ _one_ : REALLY ALEC?!

 

_l **ewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘no one is straight except for jace’**_

 

_token_ _cocky_ _straight_ _one_ : you too simon?

_redheadartist_ : you can't actually be surprised

_token_ _cocky_ _straight_ _one_ : yeah i should have seen this heterophobia coming

 

**_token cocky straight one removed his nickname_ **

_redheadartist_ : did you just

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oh, shit clary is angry

_magnusificant_ : I’ll assist with the yelling

_alighterwood_ : you fucked up jace

_thehotblonde_ : oh shit

_redheadartist_ : you have the fucking nerve to say that heterophobia exists when lgbt+ people are literally being fired, evicted, abused, attacked and fucking murdered just for not being cishet? you and your terrible empty blonde head of yours can go and fuck off jace herondale.

_thehotblonde_ : waitwaitwait i'm sorry jfc it was a joke

_redheadartist_ : oh, we're not done

_thehotblonde_ : we?

_magnusificant_ : if you think that your shitty ass cishet self can just say things like that as jokes while legitimate people D I E from being queer we have a serious issue. even if it was a fucking joke.

_thehotblonde_ : i just got severely sassed

_thehotblonde_ : but i am sorry magnus

_magnusificant_ : good

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : well i'm glad that is sorted. now, i have a question.

_redheadartist_ : it might seem strange

_lewissimonlewis_ : how are your lungs?

_alinepenhallow_ : are they in pain?

_alinepenhallow_ : cause mine are aching - h

_redheadartist_ : think i know why

_lewissimonlewis_ : i kinda like it though

_alinepenhallow_ : YOU WANNA TRYYY

_alighterwood_ : ...what was that

_redheadartist_ : beauty

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : whatever

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : anyways,

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : who in this chat is single?

_thehotblonde_ : me, surprisingly.

_lewissimonlewis_ : me

_alighterwood_ : you know i am izzy

_magnusificant_ : and i am :(

****

**_private chat between alighterwood and nothinglessthanseveninches_ **

 

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : magnus is single

_alighterwood_ : Izzy don't

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you guys would be a cute couple

_alighterwood_ : cut it out Isabelle

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : stop with that. I know you alec.

_alighterwood_ : don't play matchmaker izzy.

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you're no fun.

****

**_group chat 'no one is straight except for jace'_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : fight me jace

_alighterwood_ : i was gone for a minute what did i miss

_redheadartist_ : jace said that draco is better than ron!

_thehotblonde_ : Draco is the mysterious half-villain, plus he's probably lgbt+

_redheadartist_ : but ron is so overlooked! he is a smart, loyal devoted friend who stayed by harry

_thehotblonde_ : you just like him because you're a redhead

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i like Luna

_redheadartist_ : FUCK OFF JACE

_lewissimonlewis_ : jace are you trying to make her hate you?

_magnusificant_ : i think he just has that effect on people

_thehotblonde_ : ... thanks magnus

_lewissimonlewis_ : wow i could almost smell the sarcasm

_alinepenhallow_ : no it might just be his cockiness you can smell from the other side of New York

_thehotblonde_ : ouch aline

_alinepenhallow_ : actually that was helen :)

_alighterwood_ : well done

_alinepenhallow_ : thanks alec <3 - h

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : jace is complaining again brb

_redheadartist_ : good luck babe <3

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : <3

_magnusificant_ : you two are cute biscuit.

_alighterwood_ : i agree.

_alinepenhallow_ : wow. alec saying clary and izzy are cute? him not being a bitch to clary? what?

_alighterwood_ : okay shut up.

 


	2. here come the ships (dodododo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> magnus has friends, not all of them want to be in this group chat. isabelle decided she wants to make ships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> characters and their usernames:
> 
> izzy - nothinglessthanseveninches  
> clary - redheadartist  
> alec - alighterwood  
> magnus - magnusificant  
> simon - lewissimonlewis  
> jace - thehotblonde  
> aline - alinepenhallow  
> helen - halffairhalfgay  
> will - nevertrustaduck  
> jem - yinfen  
> tessa - shapechangertess  
> raphael - santiagoaway  
> lydia - womenkickass

 

**  
_group chat 'no one is straight except for jace'_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : guysssss

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : guess who I convinced to join?

**  
_nothinglessthanseveninches added womenkickass to the chat_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : it’s lydia!

 _womenkickass_ : Why have you added me Isabelle?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : because we need a mature person here

 _alighterwood_ : ‘convinced to join’ clearly

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : and alec doesn’t count as mature (shut up alec)

 _womenkickass_ : Whatever. Who else is in this chat?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : me, isabelle.

 _alighterwood_ : this is alec

 _redheadartist_ : clary here!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : lewis. simon lewis.

 _redheadartist_ : stfu simon

 _thehotblonde_ : I’m jace, the hot blonde, as my username states

 _magnusificant_ : magnus bane, at your service.

 _magnusificant_ : well, not really, but it sounds nice.

 _alinepenhallow_ : it’s aline.

 _alinepenhallow_ : the gay one

 _halffairhalfgay_ : I’m helen. the bisexual one with a million siblings.

 _womenkickass_ : Okay.

 _womenkickass_ : Well as Isabelle said, I’m Lydia.

 _redheadartist_ : welcome to this gay hell

 _womenkickass_ : what

 _magnusificant_ : we are all lgbt+ here (excluding jace)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : hence the chat name

 _womenkickass_ : Ah, right.

 _magnusificant_ : isabelle dear, would I be able to add a few people to this chat?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : go for it

**  
_magnusificant added nevertrustaduck, yinfen and shapechangertess to the chat._**

 

 _magnusificant_ : welcome friends!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : what the fuck magnus?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language

 _nevertrustaduck_ : what the heck magnus?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : better.

 _yinfen_ : what is this magnus?

 _magnusificant_ : a group chat! with the other mostly-queer group at school.

 _thehotblonde_ : hey, will!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : hey cousin

 _yinfen_ : wait who is everyone?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : scroll up, we discussed it earlier.

 _redheadartist_ : wait what are you guys’ names?

 _yinfen:_ I’m jem. the one with grey hair.

 _shapechangertess_ : tessa gray.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : will herondale, the better herondale cousin.

 _thehotblonde_ : hey! have you seen me?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yes. my point stands.

 _shapechangertess_ : wait magnus you added raphael, right?

 _magnusificant_ : oh nope I forgot his username

 _thehotblonde_ : i’m offended will.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raphael santiago?

 _magnusificant_ : yeah, why?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : no reason

**  
_shapechangertess added santiagoaway to the chat_**

 

 _santiagoaway_ : tessa what the fuck is this

 _halffairhalfgay_ : for the last time, language!

 _santiagoaway_ : it’s English.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : -.-

 _yinfen_ : it’s a group chat raphael

 _santiagoaway_ : oh wow thanks jem I never noticed that

 _santiagoaway_ : who are the rest of these people?

 _magnusificant_ : scroll up, everyone was introduced earlier.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : hey and welcome!

 _santiagoaway_ : oh hi simon

 _santiagoaway_ : two and a half.

 _santiagoaway_ : that’s the number of decent people here.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : who are these two and a half people?

 _santiagoaway_ : alec, simon, and ½ jem.

 _magnusificant_ : ignore him, he is always grumpy

 _shapechangertess_ : he even rivals Mr Fell’s grumpiness

 _yinfen_ : is that half of me is decent, or I am half decent?

 _santiagoaway_ : you are decent, but your choice of partners makes you not decent.

 _shapechangertess_ : ouch

 _nevertrustaduck_ : that hurt

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I’m glad you find me decent raphael

 _santiagoaway_ : that’s fine simon.

**  
_private chat between lewissimonlewis and redheadartist_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : oooh si

 _redheadartist_ : is this ‘raphael santiago’ a new boycrush of yours?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : shut up fray

 _redheadartist_ : never

 _redheadartist_ : I’m glad you’ve found someone else to stare longingly at (who isn’t my girlfriend)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : fuck off fray

**  
_group chat ‘no one is straight except for jace’_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : aleeeeeeec

 _alighterwood_ : yes?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : who can I ship you with?

 _alighterwood_ : no comment.

 _alighterwood_ : why are you asking this?

**  
_nothinglessthanseveninches has changed alighterwood’s nickname to ‘boring ass alec’_**

 

 _boring_ _ass_ _alec_ : really izzy?

 _redheadartist_ : that’s harsh iz

 _alighterwood_ : thank you clary

**  
_redheadartist has changed alighterwood’s nickname to ‘slightly boring alec’_**

 

 _slightly_ _boring_ _alec_ : I take back my thanks

 _magnusificant_ : you guys are both mean

 _magnusificant_ : I mean, look at this face

_magnusificant sent a photo message_

_alinepenhallow_ : that’s an impressive pout there alec

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : are you guys hanging out?!

 _magnusificant_ : yep!

 _redheadartist_ : guys izzy just started screaming into my pillow what do I do

 _lewissimonlewis_ : tell her we need other ships in this chat so she should focus

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : okay I’m back.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : who can I ship next

 _redheadartist_ : well there’s obviously us, and helen & aline

 _lewissimonlewis_ : clizzy and heline

 _halffairhalfgay_ : Heline. I love that.

 _alinepenhallow_ : and I love you.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : AHHH THAT’S ADORABLEGUYS

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : will, tessa, jem

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : anyone I can ship any of you with?

 _shapechangertess_ : we’re already dating.

 _redheadartist_ : ??

 _yinfen_ : polyamory.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ohhhhh

 _redheadartist_ : okay :)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : aaa nice

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ship name?

 _womenkickass_ : Jem, your surname is Carstairs, right?

 _yinfen_ : yes

 _womenkickass_ : HeronGrayStairs

 _shapechangertess_ : I love that so much omg

 _nevertrustaduck_ : that’s great lydia

 _yinfen_ : they’re both smiling like idiots (we’re skyping) thank you

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : lydia! who can I ship you with?

 _womenkickass_ : No one.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : :( please

 _womenkickass_ : I’m aromantic Isabelle.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oh I didn’t know! I’m sorry lydiaaaa

 _womenkickass_ : It’s fine.

 _redheadartist_ : what about you raphael? anyone we can ship you with?

 _santiagoaway_ : death

 _thehotblonde_ : same

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : what about simon?

 _redheadartist_ : I like that ship. what would the name be?

 _santiagoaway_ : saphael

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ^!!!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : that adorable

 _santiagoaway_ : shut the fuck up

 _nevertrustaduck_ : no

**  
_santiagoaway left the chat_**

 

 _shapechangertess_ : how rude

**  
_shapechangertess added santiagoaway to the chat_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : don’t leave again pls!

 _santiagoaway_ : fine

 _thehotblonde_ : I hate to interrupt this cuteness, but where are alec and magnus? they were here a while ago.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ohh my god you’re right

**  
_nothinglessthanseveninches changed the chat name to ‘quest to find alec and magnus’_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : this is important we are all friends with at least one of them

 _nevertrustaduck_ : can we place bets on where we think they are?

 _shapechangertess_ : NO

 _yinfen_ : no William

 _shapechangertess_ : well, hypothetical bets are fine but no gambling for you.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you guys have no faith in me

 _shapechangertess_ : for obvious reasons

 _yinfen_ : will accept my skype request please

 _lewissimonlewis_ : stubborn herondale #2 left the skype call?

 _shapechangertess_ : ye

 _shapechangertess_ : I’m going to go yell at my boyfriend for ignoring jem. bye guys, lovely to meet you.

 _yinfen_ : farewell also

 _redheadartist_ : they are so lovely omg

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : BUT MALEC ARE STILL MISSING HELP ME HERE BABE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : where do you think they are izzy?

 _thehotblonde_ : well they’re together, judging from the above messages

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : if I say ‘on a date’ is that wishful thinking?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yes

 _redheadartist_ : yeah probably

 _alinepenhallow_ : I return and there was a discussion on shipping and now the otp are missing waddup

 _redheadartist_ : hey aline

 _womenkickass_ : izzy, jace, you live with alec. is he home?

 _thehotblonde_ : idk I can check

 _santiagoaway_ : …really? you didn’t think to do that?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : they aren’t the smartest obviously

 _thehotblonde_ : alec isn’t in his room

 _redheadartist_ : it is only like 6pm, they could be haning out after class. they’re seniors, they have weird timetables.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : …

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : babe

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you’re amazing

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : but also an idiot

 _redheadartist_ : ??

 _lewissimonlewis_ : it’s Saturday.

 _redheadartist_ : oh

**  
_lewissimonlewis changed redheadartist’s nickname to ‘idiot’_**

 

 _idiot_ : simonnnnnn

 _idiot_ : I hate you

 _lewissimonlewis_ : no you don’t

 _idiot_ : shut the fuck up

 _halffairhalfgay_ : LANGUAGE

 _idiot_ : sorry

 _alinepenhallow_ : hel were you lurking and waiting for someone to mess up so you could do that?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : pfffff noooo

**  
_private chat between santiagoaway and magnusificant_**

 

 _santiagoaway_ : hey

 _santiagoaway_ : where the fuck are you

 _santiagoaway_ : your friends in the group chat are on a search for you and your boy

 _santiagoaway_ : can one of you answer it’s getting annoying

 _magnusificant_ : oh fine

 _santiagoaway_ : good

 _magnusificant_ : IF you answer my one question, yes or no

 _santiagoaway_ : fucking fine then go

 _magnusificant_ : is simon the guy in your grade that you loooooove?

 _santiagoaway_ : …

**  
_santiagoaway blocked magnusificant_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : 1) REALLY?

 _magnusificant_ : 2) I’m taking that as a yes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does simon like raphael? does raphael like simon? did will answer the skype call? where did malec go? where are malec now?
> 
> oooh who knows


	3. once you join the shippers, you can't leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> izzy wants answers. simon tries to explain shipping. ships are discussed. again.

 

  
**_private conversation between thehotblonde and alighterwood_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : alec

 _thehotblonde_ : where tf are you?

 _alighterwood_ : I’m meeting up with classmates for studying. Not at home.

 _thehotblonde_ : you nerd

 _alighterwood_ : shut up cocky

 _thehotblonde_ : wait if you’re studying, how did magnus get a photo of you?

 _thehotblonde_ : alec?

  
**_private conversation between alighterwood and magnusificant_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : I heard a crash, are you okay?

 _alighterwood_ : yeah I’ll be fine, I’m just clumsy

 _magnusificant_ : good. I can’t have you being hurt

 _alighterwood_ : *blushing emoji*

 _alighterwood_ : I’ll be out in a minute

 _magnusificant_ : of the closet?

 _alighterwood_ : maybe soon.

 _magnusificant_ : oh

 _magnusificant_ : I was joking but if you want to and feel ready to?

 _alighterwood_ : I don’t see why not. my friends all know I’m gay, how much harm could coming out properly bring? Also, most of them ship us, especially izzy.

 _alighterwood_ : we could also tell them about whatever ‘us’ is. if that’s okay with you, of course.

 _magnusificant_ : okay come over here and talk to me properly, not through messages.

 _magnusificant_ : but yes that is more than okay with me alexander.

 _alighterwood_ : yeah okay

  
**_group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : it’s the next morning and the chat name still applies

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : why isn’t anyone else up?

 _thehotblonde_ : cause to most humans it’s still sleep time?

 _idiot_ : it’s too fucking early to be awake ;-;

 _halffairhalfgay_ : la n g u a g e

 _halffairhalfgay_ : but really it’s not that early. I was woken up by two twelve year olds and an eight year old two hours ago.

 _idiot_ : its 8ammmmmm

 _idiot_ : that’s school wake up, not Sunday morning

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : it’s not that early babe

 _idiot_ : stfu

  
**_nothinglessthanseveninches removed redheadartist’s nickname_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : <3

 _redheadartist_ : I’m going back to sleep bai

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : <3

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : BUT WHERE IS MALEC

 _slightly_ _boring_ _alec_ : I’m here izzy

 _slightly_ _boring_ _alec_ : crap

**  
_slightly boring alec removed his nickname_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WHERE WERE YOU

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WERE YOU WITH MAGNUS

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WHY ARE YOU RESPONDING ONLY NOW

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ARE YOU HOME

 _alighterwood_ : out, not saying, because I was asleep, yes.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WHERE ARE YOU

 _alighterwood_ : in my room

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I MUST INTERROGATE IN PERSONN

 _alighterwood_ : I’m not unlocking my door.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ughhhhhh

  
**_private conversation between alighterwood and magnusificant_**

 

 _alighterwood_ : are you awake?

 _alighterwood_ : I have only just realised that if you aren’t, you won’t reply.

 _magnusificant_ : aha yes I’m awake alexander

 _alighterwood_ : oh okay.

 _alighterwood_ : how was your night?

 _magnusificant_ : it was amazing early on. A bit more disappointing after you had to leave.

 _alighterwood_ : I am really sorry about that.

 _alighterwood_ : I could make it up to you?

 _magnusificant_ : are you asking me on another date?

 _alighterwood_ : I guess? I had a lot of fun yesterday with you.

 _magnusificant_ : you never cease to amaze me Alexander.

 _magnusificant_ : I would love to.

 _alighterwood_ : great.

  
**_group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : aleeeeccccc

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : let me innnn

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ANSWER MEEE

 _santiagoaway_ : this is kind of funny to watch

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oh piss off

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : is nobody else awake?

 _santiagoaway_ : probably not

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : why are you awake?

 _santiagoaway_ : I haven’t slept.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oh

 _magnusificant_ : Raphael unblock me

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : MAGNUS!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : first, why did he block you?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : second, WHERE WERE YOU AND ALEC?

 _santiagoaway_ : I can’t see what he’s saying bc I blocked him what’s going on

 _magnusificant_ : I won’t speak until grumpy unblocks me

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Raphael pls unblock him or he won’t spill answers.

 _santiagoaway_ : no

 _lewissimonlewis_ : why are you guys awakeeeee

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : SIMON HELP ME (read above)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raph please unblock him?

 _santiagoaway_ : fine

 _santiagoaway_ : done.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : NOW SPILL MAGNUS

 _alighterwood_ : don’t interrogate him iz

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : IM GOING TO INTERROGATE ONE OF YOU

 _alighterwood_ : fine. Interrogate me instead.

 _magnusificant_ : tfw a hot guy takes an interrogation from his sister for you <3

 _halffairhalfgay_ : ^^^^????

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : MAGNUS BANE WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?

 _alighterwood_ : …

 _alighterwood_ : is that a compliment?

 _alinepenhallow_ : he did call you hot so yes

 _alighterwood_ : …

 _halffairhalfgay_ : I’m screaming

 _alinepenhallow_ : alec.exe has stopped responding

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ANSWER MY QUESTIONS

  
**_alighterwood has left the chat_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : SOMEBODY FUCKING ANSWER M E

 _halffairhalfgay_ : LANGUAGE

 _magnusificant_ : oops didn’t mean to make him leave, only flustered

  
**_magnusificant added alighterwood to the chat_**

 

 _nevertrustaduck_ : okay what the hell is going on?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I want answers now.

 _alighterwood_ : magnus why I want to escape this

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I WANT ANSWERS NOW

 _magnusificant_ : …alexander? What you mentioned before?

 _alighterwood_ : oh. Yeah.

 _alighterwood_ : yeah we were kind of... on a date yesterday?

 _magnusificant_ : just the two of us

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : YOUDID N’T TH INK TO TEL L ME THIS?!?!

 _alinepenhallow_ : I’m hurt you didn’t tell me alec.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : aline you owe me $10.

 _alinepenhallow_ : shut up no

 _alighterwood_ : ??

 _halffairhalfgay_ : we made bets. I won.

 _alinepenhallow_ : I had faith you would tell me these things alec *crying emoji*

 _redheadartist_ : omg guys that’s adorable I’m happy for you

 _nevertrustaduck_ : ha now the only single one in our group is raph

 _thehotblonde_ : and for us now it’s still simon, me and lydia

 _lewissimonlewis_ : that’s adorable guys

 _lewissimonlewis_ : but one question -

 _lewissimonlewis_ : you two said literally yesterday that you were single

 _thehotblonde_ : explain?

 _shapechangertess_ : oh yeah magnus explanation now ^

 _alighterwood_ : I forgot that happened

 _alighterwood_ : it was… impromptu?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I’m crying pls explain

_redheadartist sent a photo message_

_redheadartist_ : she’s actually in tears please

 _alighterwood_ : I mean I’ve liked him for a while now but yesterday we bumped into eachother at the library and after talking a bit I asked him if he wanted to go get some food? Just the two of us?

 _magnusificant_ : and I confirmed that it was indeed a date

 _womenkickass_ : that’s kind of cliché tbh

 _halffairhalfgay_ : BUT ADORABLE OMG ALEC

 _alinepenhallow_ : I feel so proud

 _alinepenhallow_ : well done baby gay

 _alighterwood_ : I’m older than you and taller than you? how does that equal baby gay?

 _alighterwood_ : thanks helen

 _alinepenhallow_ : B A B Y G A Y

 _shapechangertess_ : finally magnus

 _magnusificant_ : what’s that supposed to mean tessa?

 _shapechangertess_ : you’ve been complaining about being single and bored amongst me, will and jem. Now you can’t complain.

 _yinfen_ : can I bring up the staring?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yes do it james

 _magnusificant_ : OKAY JEM STOP NOW

 _thehotblonde_ : oh no now I’m intrigued

 _thehotblonde_ : do tell

 _yinfen_ : well I would but I probably would get killed

 _yinfen_ : sorry to disappoint

  
**_private conversation between lewissimonlewis and redheadartist_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : clary h elp

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I know everyone is still screaming about malec but ple ase

 _redheadartist_ : what happened?!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : my sister just seriously texted me asking what shipping is

 _redheadartist_ : Rebecca? Asked you what shipping is?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ya

 _lewissimonlewis_ : how do I explain this to her

 _redheadartist_ : oh hell no this is a discussion for the group.

 _redheadartist_ : switch chats

  
**_group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : guys we have an issue

 _alinepenhallow_ : what’s happened now?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : my sister asked me to explain what shipping is

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ?!?! she doesn’t know what it is?

 _redheadartist_ : apparently not

 _nevertrustaduck_ : tell her to go on tumblr

 _yinfen_ : WILL NO

 _nevertrustaduck_ : WILL Y E S

 _shapechangertess_ : ignore will

 _shapechangertess_ : how old is your sister though? 40? 3? 6 weeks?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : she’s 21

 _magnusificant_ : tell her to search on urban dictionary

 _redheadartist_ : that could go good or bad

 _magnusificant_ : still a better choice than tumblr

 _lewissimonlewis_ : true, true.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : okay I told her that. Now we wait.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : I have a question to ask (no dodie for now pls)

 _magnusificant_ : go ahead

 _halffairhalfgay_ : what is everyone’s otp?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : YOU EXPECT ME TO CHHOOSE O N E?!?!

 _redheadartist_ : I can’t choose freaking one!

 _halffairhalfgay_ : fair enough. How about otp out of the ships in this chat?

 _alinepenhallow_ : can we say a ship that includes ourselves?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : nope

 _alinepenhallow_ : but I wanted to say us!

 _halffairhalfgay_ : ily but choose someone else my love

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : wait is everyone here in the chat to cast their votes?

 _redheadartist_ : who is here? Then we can see who isn’t

 _magnusificant_ : we have clary, aline, simon, helen, will, jem, tessa, isabelle and myself, juding from who spoke recently.

 _alinepenhallow_ : that’s pretty impressive.

 _redheadartist_ : it is ^ but we’re missing alec, jace, lydia and raphael

 _santiagoaway_ : I’m here lurking

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEC LYDIA JACE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEC LLYDIA JACE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : AL EC JACE LYDIA

 _redheadartist_ : on no

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEC JSCE LYDIA

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEC JACE LY DIA

 _womenkickass_ : What?!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ALEC LYDIAJACE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : JACE ALE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : AKEC JACE

 _alighterwood_ : yes I’m here what

 _thehotblonde_ : FUCKINGWHAT?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language!

 _redheadartist_ : read above and catch up quick

 _shapechangertess_ : okay continue now they’re here

 _alighterwood_ : what are the ships we can choose from again?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : herongraystairs, malec, heline and clizzy I think?

 _redheadartist_ : plus saphael?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i can practically feel simon’s glare. might be safer not to.

 _redheadartist_ : true

 _redheadartist_ : okay cast your votes!

 _magnusificant_ : I vote herongraystairs

 _redheadartist_ : heline

 _shapechangertess_ : helen and aline!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : malec ofc

 _alighterwood_ : heline

 _nevertrustaduck_ : malec

 _womenkickass_ : I’d have to say Clary and Izzy.

 _alinepenhallow_ : malec

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ahh idk either malec or clizzy

 _thehotblonde_ : I don’t want to offend either sibling so herongraystairs

 _halffairhalfgay_ : herongraystairs

 _yinfen_ : clary and isabelle

 _magnusificant_ : raphael?

 _santiagoaway_ : the trio

 _nevertrustaduck_ : I’m touched raph

 _santiagoaway_ : don’t call me that.

 _yinfen_ : I’ll tally it all up.

 _yinfen_ : in fourth, on two and a half points, is clary and isabelle, aka clizzy.

 _redheadartist_ : goddamn you simon for your half vote

 _yinfen_ : in third place, on three points, is helen and aline, aka heline.

 _alinepenhallow_ : can I be salty

 _halffairhalfgay_ : well we’re the better lesbians at least

 _alinepenhallow_ : I’m still slightly salty

 _yinfen_ : in second, with three and a half points is…

 _magnusificant_ : DON’T DO SUSPENSE JEM

 _yinfen_ : magnus and alec, aka malec.

 _alighterwood_ : damn.

 _magnusificant_ : we’ll do better next time

 _alighterwood_ : yeah.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : HA! WE BEAT YOU

 _yinfen_ : and in first,

 _nevertrustaduck_ : for obvious reasons

 _shapechangertess_ : let jem finish will

 _yinfen_ : tessa and will and me, aka herongraystairs, on four points.

 _shapechangertess_ : hell yes

 _magnusificant_ : HALF A POINT?

 _magnusificant_ : I BLAME YOU SHELBY

 _alighterwood_ : Oh well. I still beat both siblings.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : F-SCREW YOU

 _thehotblonde_ : I WASN’T EVEN IN THE RUNNING

 _alighterwood_ : still beat you

 

 


	4. and now, ducks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will and jace have a 'nice' time. clary and izzy aren't perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all of the comments, kudos and hits! you are all so lovely thank you.  
> sorry for the wait! this is what happens when you get 6 assignments at school -.-  
> characters and their usernames:
> 
> izzy - nothinglessthanseveninches  
> clary - redheadartist  
> alec - alighterwood  
> magnus - magnusificant  
> simon - lewissimonlewis  
> jace - thehotblonde  
> aline - alinepenhallow  
> helen - halffairhalfgay  
> will - nevertrustaduck  
> jem - yinfen  
> tessa - shapechangertess  
> raphael - santiagoaway  
> lydia – womenkickass

 

  
**_group chat ‘quest to find alec and magnus’_**

 _redheadartist_ : GUYS

 _redheadartist_ : wait

 _alinepenhallow_ : yeah what??

  
**_redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’_**

_redheadartist_ : WHAT ARE SOME NICE ANIMALS TO DRAW?

 _redheadartist_ : I NEED ANIMALS PLS

 _halffairhalfgay_ : butterfly

 _nevertrustaduck_ : horses are great animals

 _thehotblonde_ : you’re biased. you grew up in the welsh countryside with horses.

 _magnusificant_ : cats. and more cats.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : I quite like the welsh dragon also

 _shapechangertess_ : WILL.

 _yinfen_ : really will?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I’m sensing a story…?

 _shapechangertess_ : no one else is hearing that story.

 _magnusificant_ : even I don’t know, sheldon.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : mm fine

 _redheadartist_ : A N I M A L S

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : a snake. venomous one.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : DRAW AN IGUANA, FRAY.

 _santiagoaway_ : what is going on?

 _alighterwood_ : ducks are always great.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : alec why

 _yinfen_ : you know you messed up big time. you have a Herondale in your house.

 _thehotblonde_ : ALEC. YOU KNOW I HATE DUCKS.

 _womenkickass_ : why?

 _thehotblonde_ : don’t know why. i just always have.

 _yinfen_ : times that reaction by ten thousand.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : WHY WOULD YOUU LIKE DUCKKS?!?!?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : THEY ARE THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL

 _magnusificant_ : I didn’t know you knew my biological father

 _nevertrustaduck_ : DUCKS CANNOT BE TRUSTED. HENCE M Y U S E R N A M E

 _redheadartist_ : thanks anyway guys

 _womenkickass_ : [image13](http://dreamatico.com/data_images/duck/duck-4.jpg)

 _alinepenhallow_ : [blessing](http://pngimg.com/uploads/duck/duck_PNG4998.png)

 _santiagoaway_ : you guys are asking for death, you know this?

 _shapechangertess_ : [birb](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/16/29/5f16294450b32e4d0669d03f51e29002.jpg)

 _magnusificant_ : that is a snazzy duck

 _shapechangertess_ : ikr

  
**_nevertrustaduck has left the chat_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : why are you like this

 _alighterwood_ : oops

 _alinepenhallow_ : you started this alec

 _alighterwood_ : you helped continue it

 _alinepenhallow_ : so did tessa and lydia!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Lydia!?

 _womenkickass_ : yeah?

 _womenkickass_ : I’m not only a boring study freak, isabelle.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I know that! I wouldn’t pick you as the type to poke fun at someone though.

 _thehotblonde_ : said the girl who picked simon as a straight nerdy guy who would have a crush on her.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that’s not true

_thehotblonde sent a video message_

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : SHUT THE FUCK UP JONATHAN

 _alighterwood_ : jace… why?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what

 _redheadartist_ : ISABELLE WTF?

 _redheadartist_ : HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?

 _thehotblonde_ : wow she used izzy’s full name. she must be pissed

 _alighterwood_ : just don’t jace.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : …

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I guess that isn’t something I can get away with by being pretty?

 _redheadartist_ : ‘I guess’ GOOD FUCKING GUESS

  
**_group chat ‘herongraystairs’_**

 

 _nevertrustaduck_ : my loves please add me back to the chat I miss it

 _yinfen_ : you’re the one that left it William.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : shut up james.

 _shapechangertess_ : I don’t think you want to be added right now Will.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : why ever not??

 _shapechangertess_ : clary and isabelle seem to be fighting? it’s not pretty.

 _yinfen_ : yeah. I’ve muted the chat.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : ouch. add me when that’s over?

 _yinfen_ : sure

 _shapechangertess_ : do you two want to come over? nate just left for the next week.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : I’m coming now.

 _yinfen_ : bad choice of words William.

 _yinfen_ : I am also on my way

  
**_group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : clary, really, it’s fine.

 _redheadartist_ : NO IT’S NOT SIMON! SHE SAID THAT SHE WOULD WALK OVER YOU IN SIX INCH STILLETOS!

 _santiagoaway_ : shit

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m fucking sorry! that was over a year ago!

 _magnusificant_ : ISABELLE. CLARISSA. STOP.

  
**_magnusificant has kicked redheadartist and nothinglessthanseveninches from the chat_**

 _magnusificant_ : …jesus Christ.

**_lewissimonlewis left the chat_ **

**  
_private chat between alighterwood and redheadartist_**

 

 _alighterwood_ : clary

 _alighterwood_ : please actually call isabelle, don’t just yell at her over text

 _alighterwood_ : I’m saying this as isabelle’s brother, trying to take care of my currently confused and upset sister

 _alighterwood_ : but also as your friend, because I have come to know you and I want you to be okay as well.

 _redheadartist_ : …

 _redheadartist_ : yeah okay, I will.

 _redheadartist_ : thanks alec.

 _alighterwood_ : no problem

  
**_private chat between santiagoaway and lewissimonlewis_**

 

 _santiagoaway_ : simon

 _lewissimonlewis_ : …Yeah?

 _santiagoaway_ : are you okay?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : Oh

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I’m fine.

 _santiagoaway_ : no you aren’t. you’re using proper grammar and capitalisation.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : …

 _lewissimonlewis_ : is it justified that I feel guilty? clary and isabelle are fighting now because of something isabelle said about me and I don’t want them to ruin their relationship just because clary is an amazing and defensive best friend to me because isabelle is also my friend and even though I’m a bit hurt that she once said that about me, I’m not upset enough to make it a fight and now that they are fighting they might break up and it’ll be all my fault and yeah

 _santiagoaway_ : dios

 _santiagoaway_ : you talk a lot, even through texts.

 _santiagoaway_ : I can’t even read that

 _santiagoaway_ : I’ll just call you.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ??

 _santiagoaway_ : oh dios mío

 _santiagoaway_ : stop being confused and just answer my calls.

  
**_group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : okay it’s quieter now.

 _womenkickass_ : thank god

 _magnusificant_ : has that happened before?

 _thehotblonde_ : no. I’ve never seen them argue.

 _thehotblonde_ : I feel guilty as hell for that now

 _alighterwood_ : don’t feel too bad jace. yes, you fucked up, but they also were the ones that argued

 _alighterwood_ : shit, what about simon?

 _magnusificant_ : he should be okay. someone is talking to him

 _alighterwood_ : who?

 _alighterwood_ : oh

  
**_magnusificant added nevertrustaduck, redheadartist, lewissimonlewis and nothinglessthanseveninches to the chat_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : well let’s hope no more arguments about ducks or previous comments begin

 _halffairhalfgay_ : this is a place for being stupid teenagers

 _alinepenhallow_ : we’re not reality tv show stars, don’t need that shit

 _alighterwood_ : since when did you guys get so philosophical?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : shut up

 _redheadartist_ : sorry guys… for that.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : sorry as well

****

**_group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’_ **

_thehotblonde_ : alec what time is it?

 _alighterwood_ : there is literally a clock on your phone

 _thehotblonde_ : I meant day

 _alighterwood_ : that is also on your phone

 _thehotblonde_ : ohh yeah

 _alinepenhallow_ : and we’re back.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : why did I suddenly get the song ‘the boys are back’ stuck in my head?

 _magnusificant_ : the one from high school musical?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : ah that’s what it’s from. my siblings were watching it the other day.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that song is my jam

 _redheadartist_ : imagine this – the gays are back

 _alighterwood_ : i’m here, i’m queer, and that sounds terrible and amazing.

 _magnusificant_ : i’m fully on board with this.

 _thehotblonde_ : i can do piano for this?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : WE’RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY??

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : hell yeah we are

 _redheadartist_ : i want credit for the original idea pls :(

 _magnusificant_ : of course, biscuit.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : duh <3

 _thehotblonde_ : so beautiful. love the gays.

 _magnusificant_ : straight boy if you are fetishizing queer people my bisexual trans man ass will hunt you down so fucking quickly

 _thehotblonde_ : didn't mean it that way. sorry.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : l a n g u a g e (but also hell yes go magnus)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who knows what that was rip
> 
> (also yes i made a d&p reference no i do not regret it)
> 
> comments, even just feedback, are always appreciated!


	5. family are demons (or demon blooded)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sebastian does in fact exist. izzy wants information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets jump right back into this
> 
> characters and their usernames:
> 
> izzy - nothinglessthanseveninches  
> clary - redheadartist  
> alec - alighterwood  
> magnus - magnusificant  
> simon - lewissimonlewis  
> jace - thehotblonde  
> aline - alinepenhallow  
> helen - halffairhalfgay  
> will - nevertrustaduck  
> jem - yinfen  
> tessa - shapechangertess  
> raphael - santiagoaway  
> lydia – womenkickass

 

**  
_group chat ‘(mostly) queers in the shadows’_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : clary

 _magnusificant_ : biscuit

 _redheadartist_ : yeah?

 _magnusificant_ : can i murder your brother?

 _redheadartist_ : what did he do this time

 _magnusificant_ : yelled some very homophobic things at me and alexander.

 _alighterwood_ : homophobic and transphobic comments and slurs

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i will cut off his hand with a whip

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i don’t even care if he is your brother clary

 _redheadartist_ : his blood relationship to me doesn’t mean i have to love him

 _lewissimonlewis_ : is Sebastian a replica of your dad?

 _redheadartist_ : luke is my dad. the other monster is only my biological father.

 _redheadartist_ : but yes. Sebastian will probably follow in his footsteps, he’s already the same mentally. the only difference is that Sebastian is twice as clever and six times as evil. my father thinks he is helping people, Sebastian known that he hurts.

 _shapechangertess_ : wait is this becoming a plot on how brutally we destroy Sebastian Morgenstern?

 _santiagoaway_ : seems like it

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i didn’t know he’s your brother clary

 _redheadartist_ : if only he wasn’t

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i’m happy to help kill an asshole

  
**_alighterwood changed the chat name to ‘murder plots for a demon’_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : plans. now. go.

 _santiagoaway_ : stab through the heart in hell

 _nevertrustaduck_ : burn him down with heavenly fire

 _thehotblonde_ : going with what isabelle said before about cutting his hand off, do that, then stab him through the back in the right spot to break his spine and pierce his heart.

 _alinepenhallow_ : graphic. and brutal.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : get a really tall cactus and impale him on it via the asshole.

 _shapechangertess_ : i agree with the heavenly fire

 _womenkickass_ : just beat him up.

 _redheadartist_ : wait you’re supposed to be the responsible one

 _womenkickass_ : but Sebastian is so much of an asshole

 _yinfen_ : Mr Fell says i quote “send a horde of killer demons at him. they’ll either kill him or he’ll realise who his true family is.”

 _nevertrustaduck_ : THAT IS THE MOST AMAZING RESPONSE

 _santiagoaway_ : mr fell is the best teacher

 _halffairhalfgay_ : how did you get mr fell’s response to that?

 _yinfen_ : i’m in advanced English right now, i accidentally laughed at isabelle’s message, Mr. Fell heard me and questioned why, i explained, and his response was that.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : fucking beautiful

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language

 _alinepenhallow_ : i think that’s a bit of a lost cause babe

 _alighterwood_ : ‘a bit’

 _lewissimonlewis_ : okay guys i have an idea for killing Sebastian

 _redheadartist_ : do share

 _lewissimonlewis_ : so we all know he is a demon

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what’s the opposite of demonic?

 _santiagoaway_ : are you suggesting holy water?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yes

 _lewissimonlewis_ : if that doesn’t work we can just drown him in the water

 _magnusificant_ : i love it

 _alinepenhallow_ : you guys realise we are h i g h s c h o o l s t u d e n t s

 _alinepenhallow_ : contemplating murder?

 _yinfen_ : it’s not murder if he’s not human. just… exterminating.

 _shapechangertess_ : JEM

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i’m so proud

 _redheadartist_ : if you guys have anything i can use to murder then let me know. my father keeps contacting my mother, demanding that i visit him, so if i have to, Sebastian will be there and i can kill him (and my father)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : stop calling him your father

 _alighterwood_ : what’s his name?

 _redheadartist_ : valentine

 _alinepenhallow_ : ew

 _redheadartist_ : valentine’s day is forever ruined for me

 _alighterwood_ : i came up with a quick valentine for him

 _magnusificant_ : it’s march

 _alighterwood_ : shhhh

 _alighterwood_ : “hey valentine. happy valentine’s day! i hope you get a big kiss on this day.”

 _redheadartist_ : alec what are you trying to say

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i highly doubt he is finished.

 _alighterwood_ : “from a train”

 _halffairhalfgay_ : wow

 _alighterwood_ : “a fast train”

 _thehotblonde_ : DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING

 _alighterwood_ : neither did he

 _nevertrustaduck_ : savage

 _santiagoaway_ : okay that was good

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raphael? raphael santiago?

 _santiagoaway_ : what?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : are you okay?

 _santiagoaway_ : yes. why?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : you just complimented someone

 _santiagoaway_ : dios, shut up.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : nope. you signed up for this

 _halffairhalfgay_ : cute

 _santiagoaway_ : shut up, no.

  **  
_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : GUYS HELP

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i would like to know everyone’s gender and sexuality

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m trying to prove to someone that queer people flock together without really meaning to

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : for example, i am a pansexual female

 _redheadartist_ : you know i’m bi. and a girl.

 _magnusificant_ : freewheeling bisexual trans man

 _shapechangertess_ : mostly straight female

 _yinfen_ : demisexual male

 _alighterwood_ : gay male

 _santiagoaway_ : asexual demimale

 _nevertrustaduck_ : who knows, male

 _lewissimonlewis_ : pan male

 _womenkickass_ : asexual aromantic female

 _thehotblonde_ : straight male

 _alinepenhallow_ : gay female

 _halffairhalfgay_ : bisexual female

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so we have 2 non cis people? cool.

 _redheadartist_ : do we actually have no one who is 100% straight?

 _thehotblonde_ : what am i, a ghost?

 _redheadartist_ : also heyy bi buddies

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : simon is my pan pal

 _alinepenhallow_ : alec and i are the gays

 _yinfen_ : raphael, lydia and i are all on the ace spectrum.

 _thehotblonde_ : am i the trademarked straight? the lonesome ally?

 

 _thehotblonde_ : all of my friends are queer, my siblings are both in gay relationships (excluding max, but he’s never at home)

 _shapechangertess_ : ???

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : don’t get me started on max.

 _alighterwood_ : he’s our youngest brother, sent to boarding school so our parents don’t have to deal with him. although last i heard he was kicked out so might be home soon…

 _shapechangertess_ : ah. yikes.

 

**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_ **

_lewissimonlewis_ : IMPORTANT QUESTION

 _lewissimonlewis_ : who’s free now to go to McDonalds?

 _redheadartist_ : oooh yeah i really want some fries

 _magnusificant_ : i’m coming and i’m dragging Raphael

 _alighterwood_ : just meet at the front gates

 _lewissimonlewis_ : sweet

 _shapechangertess_ : we’ll come as well, just might be a minute late

 _alinepenhallow_ : these thirteen queerbies shall meet up and make America gay again

 _halffairhalfgay_ : for ‘merica

 _yinfen_ : not my chinese/british ass

 _nevertrustaduck_ : it is a nice ass

 _yinfen_ : WILLIAM

 

 


	6. the meaning of a name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jace, will and simon have too much time on their hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka i had no ideas and borrowed an idea i had seen in a few other groupchat fics. sorry for the long wait and the crappy chapter!

 

  
**_thehotblonde added lewissimonlewis and nevertrustaduck to the chat_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : i have a plan and i need help

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oh no

 

**_thehotblonde changed the chat name to ‘being little shits’_ **

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : do i have to do the ‘be responsible’ talk?

 _thehotblonde_ : was that the talk?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : basically.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : does this plan involve being mischievous and potentially pissing off raphael?

 _thehotblonde_ : yes

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i’m in

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yeah me too

  
**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_**

 

 _nevertrustaduck_ : let us begin

 

**_thehotblonde changed their name to ‘cocky’_ **

**_nevertrustaduck changed their name to ‘mischievous’_ **

**_lewissimonlewis changed their name to ‘charming’_ **

**_cocky changed redheadartist‘s name to ‘tiny’_ **

**_charming changed magnusificant‘s name to ‘shiny’_ **

**_mischievous changed halffairhalfgay‘s name to ‘majestic’_ **

**_charming changed santiagoaway‘s name to ‘cute when angry’_ **

**_cocky changed womenkickass‘s name to ‘please don’t hurt me’_ **

**_mischievous changed shapechangertess‘s name to ‘angel’_ **

**_mischievous changed yinfen‘s name to ‘beauty’_ **

**_charming changed alighterwood‘s name to ‘”””straight”””_ **

**_cocky changed alinepenhallow‘s name to ‘striking’_ **

**_charming changed nothinglessthanseveninches’s name to ‘sassy’_ **

 

**_group chat ‘being little shits’_ **

 

 _thehotblonde_ : and now we wait

 _lewissimonlewis_ : this may get us killed

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you guys don’t have a lover to personally kill you. I HAVE TWO.

 _thehotblonde_ : they’re both nice and they love you a lot

 _lewissimonlewis_ : did you see alec’s name? i will die

 _thehotblonde_ : not if clary kills me first

 _nevertrustaduck_ : SIMON.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : RAPHAEL’S NAME

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oops

 _lewissimonlewis_ : SHITWHAT HAVE I DONE

 _thehotblonde_ : be calm, young Jedi.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : NOMALLT I WOULD LOVE THESTAR WARS EFERNCE BUT I AM FREKAING OUT

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ‘cute when angry’ THAT’S NOTA PLAT ONIC STRAIGHT™ THING TO SAY

 _nevertrustaduck_ : simon.exe has stopped responding

 

**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_ **

_”””straight”””_ : what the hell happened up before? the chat crashed when i tried to open it

 _”””straight”””_ : wait what the fuck

 _tiny_ : i’m going to guess that 1) you’re alec and 2) you weren’t the one who changed your name

 _tiny_ : …bitches

 _majestic_ : people may die if everyone else’s is like theirs ^^

 _majestic_ : also language

 _cute when angry_ : well we know who helen is

 _cute when angry_ : …. wtf is my name

 _striking_ : i’m laughing wow

 _striking_ : this is aline btw

 _shiny_ : alexander that is a great name, biscuit isn’t it true, heline as wonderful as ever, and am i wrong in assuming that the other person is raph?

 _angel_ : OH MY GOD IT HAS TO BE RAPH

 _angel_ : who else gets angry?

 _angel_ : aww that’s sweet who set my name (this is tessa)

 _”””straight”””_ : i’m actually offended

 _striking_ : at least they aren’t insulting names

 _”””straight”””_ : i am a gay male, being called straight

 _tiny_ : I AM NOT THAT SHORT

 _striking_ : okay maybe everyone else’s aren’t insulting

 _sassy_ : as amazing as these names are, can everyone at least hint a bit more about who they are

 _please don’t hurt me_ : oh by the angel what have i missed

 _tiny_ : OMG LYDIA IS THAT YOU

 _please don’t hurt me_ : …yeah?

 _please don’t hurt me_ : why is that my name?

 _cute when angry_ : i never learnt how to change names someone help

 _shiny_ : as flattering as some of these names are, the perpetrators will be in trouble with a few other people in this chat.

 _angel_ : … i wonder who isn’t here

 _”””straight”””_ : damn it

 _”””straight”””_ : herondales

 _angel_ : exactly.

 _cute when angry_ : and also simon

 _tiny_ : that backstabbing bitch

 _charming_ : i heard my name? hi?

 _shiny_ : … tbh that could be any of the three of them

 _cute_ _when_ _angry_ : what the fuck have you done to my name

 _majestic_ : language

 _angel_ : William

 _mischievous_ : yea?

 _mischievous_ : i mean what i am jace i am blonde and have an ego bigger than will’s massive

 _sassy_ : do not even finish that sentence

 _angel_ : will what have you done

 _mischievous_ : i’d just like to say…

 _mischievous_ : it wasn’t my idea in the first place it was jace

 _cocky_ : how dare you

 _cocky_ : i trusted you

 _cocky_ : you son of a duck

 _tiny_ : wow

 _angel:_ also really will

 _angel_ : you literally said ‘let us begin’

 _sassy_ : okay i scrolled up and figured out who changes everyone’s names to what

 _sassy_ : simon you’re gay

 _charming_ : shut. up. izzy.

 _please_ _don’t_ _kill_ _me_ : the chat history is lost to me due to the app crashing

 _tiny_ : send screenshot babe?

_sassy sent a photo message_

_tiny_ : jace i swear to god i am coming to your house at two am and throwing you off the empire state building

 _cocky_ : you don’t know where i live

 _tiny_ : you are my girlfriend’s adopted brother

 _cocky_ : shit

 _majestic_ : honestly i’m about ready to give up (LANGUAGE)

 _cute_ _when_ _angry_ : okay who the hell changed my name i will murder

 _cute_ _when_ _angry_ : …oh

 _charming_ : yep no thanks i am not equipped to be in this life goodbye

 

**_charming left the chat_ **

 

 _striking_ : i think the fuck not

 

**_striking added charming to the chat_ **

 

 _charming_ : alineeeeeee

 _tiny_ : simon

 _tiny_ : lewis

 _tiny_ : don’t you dare

 _charming_ : fine

 _tiny_ : fml i hate this name help me change it

 _sassy_ : wait i’m on it

**_  
sassy disabled nicknames. all nicknames removed_ **

 

 _redheadartist_ : thanks

 _thehotblonde_ : you always ruin the fun izzy

 _yinfen_ : probably wasn’t much fun for the readers who were probably confused

 _halffairhalfgay_ : rip fourth wall

 _alighterwood_ : ??? what the fuck are you on about

 _halffairhalfgay_ : nothing. language.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is [here](http://little-fanby-lives.tumblr.com/) so please send me any of your emotions and please! send! ideas! (i'm completely stuck for ideas whoops help)


	7. nerds™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon screams. jace is... jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title says it all. malec are missing for like almost all of this chapter sorry.

**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_ **

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : SOMEONE HOLD ME IM FUCJKING SOBBIGN

 _lewissimonlewis_ : THIS IS TOOO FUCKING MUCH FOR MY NERD HEART TOHANDLE

 _thehotblonde_ : oh god not more

 _shapechangertess_ : ‘more’???

 _lewissimonlewis_ : SHUT THHE FUCKINGFIUCK UP JACE HERONDALE

 _womenkickass_ : oh is this a repeat of what happened at lunch?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ITS NOT A REPEAT ITS JUST A CONTIUATIPN FCKFCKFUCKFUCK

 _nevertrustaduck_ : what is going on?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : STAR WARS IS WHAT HAPPENED

 _halffairhalfgay_ : WAIT THE NEW TRAILER?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : YES

 _halffairhalfgay_ : YESSSSSS

 _alinepenhallow_ : oh hell yes i’m so excited for the last jedi

 _redheadartist_ : i am pumped for it

 _yinfen_ : star wars? hell yes

 _thehotblonde_ : how many nerds are in this chat?

 _redheadartist_ : fuck off blondie

 _alinepenhallow_ : jace are you that person that never watched the films so hates on them and the people that enjoy them?

 _thehotblonde_ : ive actually seen them.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i forced him to watch all six a few years ago and i dragged him to the cinemas to see the force awakens.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : well done.

 _shapechangertess_ : okay but like

 _shapechangertess_ : we should all meet up and binge all seven movies

 _redheadartist_ : everyone’s seen star wars, right?

 _thehotblonde_ : me and alec were forced to by izzy.

 _yinfen_ : i think everyone has from our group?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : has raphael??

 _yinfen_ : oh i don’t know about raph

 _lewissimonlewis_ : OH HE BETTER HAVE SEEN THEM

  
**_private chat between lewissimonlewis and santiagoaway_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : RAPHAEL SANTIAGO

 _lewissimonlewis_ : PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE SEEN STAR WARS

 _lewissimonlewis_ : R A P H

 _santiagoaway_ : …

 _lewissimonlewis_ : HAVE YOU SEEN ALL STAR WARS FILMS

 _santiagoaway_ : no

 _lewissimonlewis_ : HOW DARE YOU

  
**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : HE HASN’T SEEN THEM

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m sorry?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oh you better be

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’d invite everyone over to our house to watch all the movies but our parents are home and are arguing a lot so…. not the best.

 _redheadartist_ : my house is tiny so wouldn’t work for all thirteen of us

 _shapechangertess_ : you guys could come over to my house? my brother is…. gone. so it’ll just be us. and the living room is quite big.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : TESSA GRAY YOU ARE A LIFESAVER AND AN ANGEL

 _nevertrustaduck_ : don’t flirt with my girlfriend lewis.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : no hetero, tessa

 _shapechangertess_ : no hetero

  
**_group chat ‘murder plots for a demon’_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : clary do you still have that pen i lent you yesterday?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oops wrong chat. sorry.

 _thehotblonde_ : going into the wrong chat. going after the wrong people. typical simon lewis.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : the fuck? what are you trying to say jace?

 _thehotblonde_ : oh, nothing.

 _thehotblonde_ : just saying that when you get romantic feelings for someone, you act like a tiny yippy dog, nipping at their heels. i’m just waiting for this time to be the same.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i don’t ‘nip’ as you so eloquently said. and that isn’t something i do. my apologies if me being friends with people disturbs your tiny straight guy brain.

 _thehotblonde_ : stop going after people who will never care about you the same way. then maybe i’ll stop feeling ‘disturbed’.

 _redheadartist_ : guys please don’t

 _thehotblonde_ : but i’ll be honest mundane, what you think is me being disturbed, is just me feeling ridiculously sorry for you

 _lewissimonlewis_ : fuck. off. blondie.

 _redheadartist_ : izzy?

  
**_nothinglessthanseveninches kicked thehotblonde from the chat_**

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i gotchu babe

 _redheadartist_ : ❤

 _alinepenhallow_ : is our reaction to arguments happening to just kick people out of the chat?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : it works, doesn’t it

 _alinepenhallow_ : true

 _redheadartist_ : yikes @ straight people

 _shapechangertess_ : ouch

 _redheadartist_ : yikes @ straight boys**

 _shapechangertess_ : thank you

  
**_halffairhalfgay left the chat_**

 

 _alinepenhallow_ : wait what the fuck

 _redheadartist_ : ???

 _alinepenhallow_ : what the fuck

  
**_alinepenhallow added halffairhalfgay_**

 

 _alinepenhallow_ : hel??? what??

 _halffairhalfgay_ : wait shit no my siblings are trying to take my phone and i don’t want them seeing this chat bc they’ll go to my parents and how to i explain this chat

 _alinepenhallow_ : oh okay. sorry babe.

 _redheadartist_ : which siblings?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : e l j

  
**_halffairhalfgay left the chat_**

 

 _alinepenhallow_ : emma jules and livvy

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : yeesh

 _nevertrustaduck_ : and that, young gays, is how lesbians communicate

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you’re a decent herondale so i’ll let that slide

 _yinfen_ : guys

 _yinfen_ : [screenshot_829](https://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/star-wars-candy-holders/)

 _yinfen_ : this is important

 _redheadartist_ : that is amazing

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : tag yourself i’m the skittles

 _redheadartist_ : i’m darth vader’s nose

 _yinfen_ : i’m yoda’s right foot

 _alinepenhallow_ : i’m the storrmtrooper’s ear

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m boba fett’s left knee

 _nevertrustaduck_ : why the knee

 _shapechangertess_ : cause i don’t kneed a man

 _redheadartist_ : SAME

 _nevertrustaduck_ : well fuck you too tess

 _yinfen_ : …

 _shapechangertess_ : cause I need the TWO wonderful men I’m in a relationship with!

 _shapechangertess_ : I meant it as a compliment to you both!

 _shapechangertess_ : shit.

 _redheadartist_ : herongraystairs have left the vicinity

 _alighterwood_ : wait what did i miss?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : star wars marathon – tessa’s house on Saturday

 _redheadartist_ : jace being a shit and arguing with/attacking simon

 _alinepenhallow_ : hel’s siblings probably stealing her phone and her leaving this chat for safety

 _redheadartist_ : star wars talk

 _alinepenhallow_ : and herongraystairs slight drama.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i hope they’re talking

 _santiagoaway_ : yikes @ people in relationships

 _magnusificant_ : mmmmmm raphhhhh

 _magnusificant_ : lllooooooooooooverr bbppoooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 _santiagoaway_ : i will block you again

 _magnusificant_ : ahahahahhaa nno you wouldntt

 _magnusificant_ : youu lovee ,me

 _magnusificant_ : nottt as muchha s yoou lloovwe hiiiimm

 _redheadartist_ : alec…

 _redheadartist_ : is your boyfriend drunk?

 _alighterwood_ : no? i literally just left his house he was not drunk

 _magnusificant_ : I DO NOT GET D R U NK

 _santiagoaway_ : “”””””he doesn’t get drunk”””””””””” he says

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : alec go check on your boyfriend i’ll tell max you’ll be late and hide from mom and dad

 _alighterwood_ : thanks iz

 _redheadartist_ : update us what is going on

 _alighterwood_ : of course

 


	8. no matchmaki- shit it's happening anyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> izzy and magnus have a plan. wessa are memes. simon cries.

_magnusificant_ : i am now sober

 _alighterwood_ : you weren’t drunk

 _santiagoaway_ : if you weren’t drunk then what the fuck happened?

 _redheadartist_ : ^^^

 _alighterwood_ : it’s your story to tell mags

 _magnusificant_ : …cough syrup

 _nevertrustaduck_ : MAGNUS BANE YOU IDIOT OMG AHAHHAHA

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : what?

 _shapechangertess_ : NOT FUCKING AGAIN MAGNUS WHY

 _shapechangertess_ : WILL DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM

 _womenkickass_ : that is never fun.

 _redheadartist_ : ^^ SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE??!!?!?? UMMMM?!?!??!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : did you have too much cough syrup and get high?

 _magnusificant_ : yepp

 _santiagoaway_ : …again

 _magnusificant_ : shut it

 _magnusificant_ : now anyways

 _magnusificant_ : my dearest friends

 _alighterwood_ : wait mags don’t

 _magnusificant_ : ???

 _alighterwood_ : i know what you’re going to say, and don’t

 _alighterwood_ : also why aren’t you sleeping?

 _magnusificant_ : because duty calls

 _magnusificant_ : izzy?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : big brother you’re a spoil sport

  
**_nothinglessthanseveninches kicked santiagoaway and lewissimonlewis from the chat_**

 

 _alighterwood_ : izzyyyyyy

 _halffairhalfgay_ : this is a bad idea

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : not at all

 _alinepenhallow_ : wait hel when did you get added back to this chat

 _halffairhalfgay_ : in between chapters

 _alinepenhallow_ : what?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : fair enough

 _redheadartist_ : this is a bad idea

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m hurt by your lack of faith in me

 _redheadartist_ : this is not the way to do it

 _redheadartist_ : i mean i want si happy but we can’t matchmake them

 _alighterwood_ : i agree with the tiny redhead

 _redheadartist_ : shut up gay boy

 _alighterwood_ : … are you trying to insult me? i am a gay boy. and you are a gay/bi girl

 _magnusificant_ : ANYWAYS

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : magnus our lovers are united against our plan

 _alinepenhallow_ : i’m with you guys. this should be fun.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : why babe

 _magnusificant_ : ** it is now aline, me and you, isabelle

 _shapechangertess_ : yikes

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i, however, am all for this matchmaking.

 _shapechangertess_ : you just want to see Raphael suffer

 _nevertrustaduck_ : pffffffttt never

 _magnusificant_ : basically, they’re angsting and need to get together

 _womenkickass_ : why don’t you… let them get together on their own?

 _alinepenhallow_ : because we want them together now…?

 _womenkickass_ : but it’s such a mundane idea

 _womenkickass_ : matchmaking.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : okay everyone i’m sorry in advance

 _redheadartist_ : what

**  
_nothinglessthanseveninches added thehotblonde to the chat_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : whyyyy

 _magnusificant_ : ???

 _thehotblonde_ : loving the welcome party clary

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you were too busy getting high off cough syrup

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you missed what happened

 _shapechangertess_ : i can’t believe you did it  _again_ magnus

 _magnusificant_ : shut it gray

 _alinepenhallow_ : ARE WE MATCHMAKING OR NOT

 _thehotblonde_ : matchmaking?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : saphael

 _thehotblonde_ : finally

 _redheadartist_ : okay jace you were a douche to simon and if you are again then i will kick your balls so hard and so far up your throat, you’ll develop a peanut allergy

 _redheadartist_ : got it?

 _thehotblonde_ : yep

 _nevertrustaduck_ : jesus clary you’re terrifying

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : one of the many reasons i love her

 _redheadartist_ : WWAIT HMYGOOD davjbe;/;W049

 _alighterwood_ : clary.exe has stopped responding

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : what

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ohshithshitshithshitshitshithshitshit

 _magnusificant_ : isabelle.exe has stopped responding

 _redheadartist_ : i love you too

 _nevertrustaduck_ : if that’s not adorable i don’t know what is

 _halffairhalfgay_ : damn

 _alinepenhallow_ : they’re adorable

 _thehotblonde_ : isabelle just left the house

 _shapechangertess_ : wait omg wha

 _thehotblonde_ : she screamed something like ‘my girlfriend is amazing and i love her so i’m going to kiss her’

 _thehotblonde_ : she doesn’t have shoes on btw

 _magnusificant_ : sounds like her

_thehotblonde sent a photo message_

_nevertrustaduck_ : look at dat gurl go

 _shapechangertess_ : watch her runnin watch her go

 _magnusificant_ : you guys are all memes jfc

 _alighterwood_ : i’d say it’s no coincidence you are in a relationship

 _nevertrustaduck_ : jem can also be a meme, do not doubt him

 _magnusificant_ : the three of them are awful

  
**_alighterwood added lewissimonlewis to the chat_**

 

 _magnusificant_ : alexander whyy

 _alighterwood_ : he kept messaging me to add him after clary stopped answering him

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i’m hurt magnus

 _lewissimonlewis_ : in fact, i’m hurt by everyone

 _alighterwood_ : i added you back

 _lewissimonlewis_ : you’re okay

 _halffairhalfgay_ : ouch

 _lewissimonlewis_ : wait why was i kicked in the first place

 _thehotblonde_ : read up

 _lewissimonlewis_ : wait wha

 _alinepenhallow_ : wait for itt….

 _lewissimonlewis_ : WHY

 _lewissimonlewis_ : THE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : FUCK

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ARE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : YOU

 _lewissimonlewis_ : A L L

 _lewissimonlewis_ : OBSESSED

 _lewissimonlewis_ : WITH

 _lewissimonlewis_ : MY

 _lewissimonlewis_ : (lack of a)

 _lewissimonlewis_ : LOVE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : LIFE

 _halffairhalfgay_ : and wait for itt

 _lewissimonlewis_ : FUCKKNG C L I Z Z Y

 _shapechangertess_ : here it is

 _lewissimonlewis_ : MY FAVOURTIE GAYS FUCKING BASICALLY CONFESSED AND THE DISPPEARED TO SEE EAHOTHER FACE T FACE AND I WAS BOOTED OUT OF THE CHAT AND DIDN’T GET TO WITNESS IT FUCKINF HELL VVWEVOW

 _thehotblonde_ : simon.exe has stopped responding

 _womenkickass_ : why is that the go-to thing to say when someone freaks out

 _thehotblonde_ : why not?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I WAS BOOTED BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SET ME UP WITH THE GRUMPY ADORABLE PERSON I KINDA LIKE ROMANTICALLY AND THEREFORE I MISSED THE CLIZZY LOVE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : FOR FUCKS SAKE

****

**_magnusificant has added santiagoaway to the chat_ **

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : fuck

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who knows where this story is headed. oops.


	9. this is the hunt (for simon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon has gone *poof*. jace cries. heline aren't here. the chat name hasn't been changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friend: so i read all of shadowtexters the other day  
> me: O SHIT WHAT THANK WAS IT GOOD GIVE ME FEEDBACK
> 
> so like thanks to that friend for some of the ideas that are in this chapter

 

  
**_private conversation between redheadartist and lewissimonlewis_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : simon

 _redheadartist_ : simon lewis

 _redheadartist_ : nerd

 _redheadartist_ : dude

 _redheadartist_ : i have a feeling spamming you won’t make you answer me

 _redheadartist_ : answer the midget redhead

 _redheadartist_ : THAT WAS ALEC

 _redheadartist_ : but seriously answer me lewis

 _redheadartist_ : simonnnnn

 _redheadartist_ : ffs

  
**_group chat ‘murder plans for a demon’_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : where the fuck is simon

 _redheadartist_ : I DON’T KNOW

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : since when do you care so much

 _thehotblonde_ : i don’t

 _thehotblonde_ : but we’re partners for music. i need him to make my music

 _nevertrustaduck_ : kINKY

 _thehotblonde_ : we need to compose a piece and he’s the guitarist

 _thehotblonde_ : I’M NOT GAY

 _nevertrustaduck_ : “the only man that i love is my dad”

 _thehotblonde_ : don’t even get into that

 _nevertrustaduck_ : herondales with messed up family UNITE

 _magnusificant_ : …i think i know where he is

 _shapechangertess_ : where?

 _magnusificant_ : i think me saying would lead to my dead body

 _redheadartist_ : oh

 _shapechangertess_ : ohhhhhhh

 _womenkickass_ : That’s gay.

 _womenkickass_ : Literally.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : shut up raj

 _magnusificant_ : ew. him.

 _womenkickass_ : By the angel, no!

 _alighterwood_ : oh lyd i saw you kick raj earlier

 _alighterwood_ : first of all, well done. second of all, can i ask why?

 _womenkickass_ : He was breathing too loudly.

 _thehotblonde_ : are you fucking joking

 _womenkickass_ : No.

 _womenkickass_ : I’m ace.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : that was amazing

 _nevertrustaduck_ : BUT I AM INTERESTEDIN WHY MAGNUS WOULD BE KILLED FOR REVEALING WHERE SIMON IS

 _shapechangertess_ : will

 _shapechangertess_ : sweetheart

 _shapechangertess_ : who else isn’t here

 _nevertrustaduck_ : helen and aline

 _thehotblonde_ : they’re in music and are behind the curtain. i think they’re making out

 _nevertrustaduck_ : jem, but he’s….

 _shapechangertess_ : yeah. who  _else_?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : that only leaves raphaOHOHOHOHH

 _magnusificant_ : i didn’t say anything

 _magnusificant_ : but if i die, someone feed my cat

 _magnusificant_ : james that’s up to you, church trusts you so you get the chairman

 _magnusificant_ : also tell my boyfriend he has nice abs

 _alighterwood_ : …you could tell me yourself

 _magnusificant_ : oh hi alexander

 _magnusificant_ : you’re welcome

 _magnusificant_ : oh shit geo teacher byeeeeee

 _redheadartist_ : where is jem?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : he’s

 _shapechangertess_ : sick

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yeah that works

 _shapechangertess_ : don’t ask

 _redheadartist_ : fair enough i guess

 _thehotblonde_ : heline are still behind the curtain and simon is STILL. NOT. HERE.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yikes

 _lewissimonlewis_ : that can’t be fun

 _thehotblonde_ : dickwad

 _lewissimonlewis_ : suck it blondie

 _thehotblonde_ : isn’t that raphael’s job?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : …

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m asexual

 _thehotblonde_ : how long have you been here!?

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m always lurking

 _lewissimonlewis_ : mmmmmm

 _santiagoaway_ : shut up

 _thehotblonde_ : what

 _redheadartist_ : let me spell it out for you jace

 _redheadartist_ : Raphael is always lurking unless he’s making out with simon

 _santiagoaway_ : dios

 _lewissimonlewis_ : true clary

 _santiagoaway_ :  _callarse_

 _lewissimonlewis_ : make me

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : and there they go again

 _redheadartist_ : …how many times do we talk on here instead of face to face

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so many times

 _redheadartist_ : what class do you have now?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : biology, you have art, i’m not skipping it again

 _alighterwood_ :  _again_  izzy?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oops

 _redheadartist_ : sorry alec. blame me.

 _alighterwood_ : i do

 _magnusificant_ : tfw your boyfriend practices what you will say on your wedding day

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i return to cuteness

 _nevertrustaduck_ : JEM TESSA WE NEED TO BE CUTER

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m actually calling charlotte now to get us out of school to see him

 _shapechangertess_ : come out

 _alighterwood_ : i’m gay

 _shapechangertess_ : what?

 _redheadartist_ : I’M BI

 _shapechangertess_ : oh. ‘come out’

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I AM PAN

 _nevertrustaduck_ : I AM IN LOVE x2

 _shapechangertess_ : shut your handsome face and hurry up

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : if that isn’t the damn cutest thing i’ve ever seen

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : excluding my girlfriend’s adorable face

 _redheadartist_ : ahhhhhh

 _magnusificant_ : damn these cute couples out-cuting alexander and i

 _magnusificant_ : and damn this class for stopping me from seeing my boyfriend

 _magnusificant_ : …alexanderrrr

 _alighterwood_ : i am not skipping class for you again

 _magnusificant_ : spoilsport :(((((

 _thehotblonde_ : damn all of you for being in relationships when i am not

 _womenkickass_ : Straight Boy

 _thehotblonde_ : o shush you snake

 _womenkickass_ : Buy my silence for $1900 a month.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : my new aesthetic: lydia branwell memeing

 _magnusificant_ : i always forget that you’re related to henry

 _womenkickass_ : We share a surname but may as well be over a century apart. We’re from different worlds. He’s from England and grew up one way, I’m from here and grew up with strict parents.

 _womenkickass_ : Also have you seen his hair? He’s more closely related to Clary than me judging from that.

 _redheadartist_ : well me you and him are all somehow relted Lydia. third cousins removed square times dog or something i don’t understand family trees

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : my girlfriend, everyone.

 

 


	10. family trees. scratch that. family FORESTS.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saphael... what? two new people join. family is confusing.
> 
> goddamn it lydia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to [MandaloreArtist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MandaloreArtist/pseuds/MandaloreArtist) for one of the ideas in this chapter!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _Warning – this chapter talks about the people in The Infernal Devices and contains potential spoilers to do with family, end-game couples and family connections._
> 
>  
> 
> __

**_group chat ‘murder plans for a demon’_ **

 

 _santiagoaway_ : so

**  
_santiagoaway changed the chat name to ‘i am gay’_**

 

 _halffairhalfgay_ : okaaaayyyyy

 _magnusificant_ : so surprising

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : can’t say i’m surprised

 _nevertrustaduck_ : took you long enough

 _santiagoaway_ : FUCKING HELL

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language

**  
_santiagoaway changed the chat name to ‘THAT WAS SIMON’_**

 

 _santiagoaway_ : he took my fucking phone

 _halffairhalfgay_ : l a n g u a g e

 _alighterwood_ : helen you are going to get nowhere doing that

 _halffairhalfgay_ : well

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i tried

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : we know you did.

**  
_private chat between shapechangertess and nothinglessthanseveninches_**

 

 _shapechangertess_ : oh isabelle

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : yeah?

 _shapechangertess_ : would you be able to enable nicknames in the groupchat again?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : …sure?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : done. can i ask why?

 _shapechangertess_ : i had an idea. don’t worry about it. thank you!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you’re welcome?

**  
_group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i got discovered :(((((

 _alinepenhallow_ : we noticed

 _alighterwood_ : simon

 _alighterwood_ : why were you able to get on raphael’s phone

 _lewissimonlewis_ : um

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ummmmmmm

 _santiagoaway_ : that is a question

 _halffairhalfgay_ : come on leave them alone

 _lewissimonlewis_ : thanks

 _halffairhalfgay_ : oh this is only being postponed until tomorrow at school

 _lewissimonlewis_ : shit

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language

 _alinepenhallow_ : hahahaha i can’t wait until tomorrow

**  
_group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’_**

**  
_nevertrustaduck added lottieofstress and gingerinventor_**

 

 _lottieofstress_ : He left his phone unlocked on the couch.

 _lottieofstress_ : So I took it upon myself to join this chat I have heard so much of

 _magnusificant_ : oh welcome charlotte

 _lottieofstress_ : Hi Magnus

 _gingerinventor_ : lottie dear

 _gingerinventor_ : can i ask why i’ve been added to a group chat?

 _lottieofstress_ : He’s in the next room but is messaging me... wow

 _lewissimonlewis_ : there’s more people this is W I L D

 _shapechangertess_ : oh yeah

 _shapechangertess_ : lottieofstress is charlotte and gingerinventor is henry

 _shapechangertess_ : they’re the legal guardians of will and jem, and they took me in as well

 _nevertrustaduck_ : charlotte i am hurt that you stole my phone

 _nevertrustaduck_ : but also you are one of the loveliest people

 _lottieofstress_ : Thanks..?

 _magnusificant_ : how many people are in the chat now?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : um

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : 15

 _magnusificant_ : wow

 _redheadartist_ : hi fellow redhead kind-of-family-member (it’s clary here btw)

 _gingerinventor_ : ah hello clary!

 _redheadartist_ : hey henry

 _thehotblonde_ : i feel like all of our families are intertwined somehow

 _alinepenhallow_ : intertwined…. free…

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i've pinned each and eeeeeevery hope on youuu

 _redheadartist_ : i hope that you don't bleeeeeeed wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith mee

 _shapechangertess_ : I’M AFRAID

 _shapechangertess_ : OF THE THINGS IN MY BRAIN

 _alinepenhallow_ : buuuuuuuuuuuuuut we

 _redheadartist_ : can stay here

 _nevertrustaduck_ : AND LAUGH AWAY THE FEAR

 _alinepenhallow_ : hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 _lewissimonlewis_ : hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 _magnusificant_ : nice

 _shapechangertess_ : are you guys also dodie trash?

 _alinepenhallow_ : I AM AS MUCH DODIE TRASH AS I AM GAY

 _halffairhalfgay_ : *****which is like 100000%

 _lewissimonlewis_ : same

 _lewissimonlewis_ : but i’m pan

 _thehotblonde_ : BACK TO MY STATEMENT

 _thehotblonde_ : are all of our family trees linked

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : wait lemme ask

 _thehotblonde_ : ???

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : LYDIA GODDAMN B R A N W E L L

 _womenkickass_ : What?

 _womenkickass_ : Hi Charlotte. Hi Henry.

 _thehotblonde_ : you’re a history nerd. how related are all of our families?

 _womenkickass_ : i don’t know everyone here that well

 _womenkickass_ : what are the families?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : lightwood (me & alec)

 _nevertrustaduck_ : and Gabriel *shudders*

 _shapechangertess_ : and Gideon!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : herondale (jace & will)

 _alighterwood_ : Branwell (lydia & henry and charlotte)

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : fairchild (clary)

 _lottieofstress_ : Oh wow... that’s my maiden name ^

 _magnusificant_ : carstairs (jem)

 _halffairhalfgay_ : + emma (my little brother’s best friend)

 _alighterwood_ : Penhallow (aline)

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Blackthorn (helen)

 _lottieofstress_ : I knew some other Blackthorns in London!

 _alighterwood_ : Lewis (simon)

 _magnusificant_ : Santiago (raphael)

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Bane (magnus, ofc)

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Grey (tessa)

 _womenkickass_ : my very educated guess is that…

 _womenkickass_ : the fancy names are probably all tangled together

 _redheadartist_ : …Lydia the genius everyone

 _womenkickass_ : the not fancy names (Lewis, Santiago, Bane & Grey) are probably shoved into certain spots but not ‘one of them’

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i’m offended on behalf of my name

 _magnusificant_ : same here Shelby

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ??????

 _alinepenhallow_ : MY GUESS

 _alinepenhallow_ : the ‘fancy named’’ people probably had their own secret society of demons and darkness and lies and corrupt government and honor and almost-nobility

 _halffairhalfgay_ : and the ‘’not-fancy named’’ people were kind of in the world of the society but not included bc bitches

 _magnusificant_ : i am o f f e n d e d

 _lewissimonlewis_ : you push me down i get the fUCK BACK UP AGAIN

 _santiagoaway_ : s to p

 _shapechangertess_ : we are the world of people who are being oppressed and pushed down

 _magnusificant_ : downworld

 _lewissimonlewis_ : THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WHOLE SOCIETY OF NOT-ELITE PRISSY PEOPLE

 _santiagoaway_ : okay that could be worse

 _shapechangertess_ : raph jOIN US

 _lewissimonlewis_ : join us downworlders

 _redheadartist_ : what shall we say us fancy named people are

 _lottieofstress_ : Probably racist.

 _redheadartist_ : WOW

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : wOAH

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yikes

 _lottieofstress_ : OH COME ON I MEANT IT AS IN THEY’RE CORRUPT ELITIST GOVERNMENT; THEY’RE PROBABLY RACIST!

 _alighterwood_ : probably highkey homophobic as well

 _lottieofstress_ : True

 _alinepenhallow_ : yikes indeed

 _magnusificant_ : YIKES

 _magnusificant_ : theyre most likely transphobic

 _magnusificant_ : farewell to my asian, bisexual trans man ass

 _alighterwood_ : i wouldn’t let that happen

 _redheadartist_ : awwwwwwwwwwwww

 

**  
_group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : wait my question never really got answered

 _redheadartist_ : ha fucker

 _thehotblonde_ : bitch

 _redheadartist_ : dickface

 _thehotblonde_ : carrot head emerald eyed midget

 _redheadartist_ : fake blonde contact wearing straight boy

 _thehotblonde_ : eXCUSE ME

 _thehotblonde_ : my hair is natural and so are my eyes

 _redheadartist_ : sure jan

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being awful at replying to comments! i read them all and appreciate every single one of you! (but am usually at school with v limited internet when i do see the email about the comment)


	11. worry about jem squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clary worries. actually, everyone worries. jem lives.
> 
>  
> 
> **** spoilers for tid kinda? character backstory spoilers.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for being crap but like hERE TAKE IT

**_group chat ‘THAT WAS SIMON’_ **

 

 _redheadartist_ : okay i’m taking a stand

 

**_redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘OPERATION WORRY ABOUT JEM’_ **

 

 _redheadartist_ : enough said

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yeah i’m on board with this

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : everyone on board say ‘I’

 _redheadartist_ : I

 _lewissimonlewis_ : I

 _gingerinventor_ : i

 _halffairhalfgay_ : I

 _womenkickass_ : I

 _thehotblonde_ : I

 _alinepenhallow_ : I

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I

 _alighterwood_ : I

 _lottieofstress_ : you guys shouldn’t have to be worried

 _lewissimonlewis_ : we’re still GOING to be worried

 _magnusificant_ : jem is alive

 _nevertrustaduck_ : …

 _redheadartist_ : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WILL

 _shapechangertess_ : it means nothing!

 _shapechangertess_ : jem is just quite sick

 _magnusificant_ : that explains it well enough.

 _yinfen_ : tessa you can say why i’m never there

 _redheadartist_ : JEM

 _shapechangertess_ : JAMES

 _halffairhalfgay_ : jem!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : JEM

 

 _nevertrustaduck_ : MY LOVES

 _yinfen_ : sorry to disappear without warning everyone

 _alinepenhallow_ : how are you?

 _yinfen_ : well, sick is not an understatement

 _shapechangertess_ : jem you don’t have to…

 _yinfen_ : i know. they deserve to at least know so they don’t worry though

 _redheadartist_ : i worry anyways tbh

 _redheadartist_ : don’t feel forced to say if you don’t want to jem

 _redheadartist_ : it’s okay

 _yinfen_ : because of the events in which i was forced to leave my home in Shanghai at age 12, i developed an illness. it still affects me now five years later. it causes me to have ‘bad spells’, as charlotte calls them, moments of severe coughing fits and weakness. it’s slowly killing me, but so is the medicine i have to have to take it. it’s simply reducing the pain and extending my life slightly. it’s incurable.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : **as far as we know now

 _redheadartist_ : shit

 _alinepenhallow_ : jem i’m so sorry

 _alighterwood_ : oh shit

 _halffairhalfgay_ : oh jem that’s awful

 _lewissimonlewis_ : fuck.

 _shapechangertess_ : jem you don’t always have to share it

 _yinfen_ : i’m fine tessa.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : it’s always your choice to share, james.

 _yinfen_ : i know.

 _yinfen_ : okay enough about me

 _yinfen_ : and no more worrying about me! will and tess do that enough for everyone.

 _redheadartist_ : YOU CAN’T STOP US

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ^ you couldn’t have expected any other response

 _yinfen_ : true

  
**_redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘OPERATION WORRY ABOUT JEM’_**

 

 _redheadartist_ : what if you pronounced yikes like nike

 _redheadartist_ : like

 _redheadartist_ : yikeys

 _lewissimonlewis_ : clary are you okay

 _redheadartist_ : to put it simply…

 _redheadartist_ : no

 _magnusificant_ : yeaaah you could have expected that Smedley

 _lewissimonlewis_ : all these names and none of them are mine

 _redheadartist_ :  _yikeys_

 _alighterwood_ : she was trying to study physics and now she’s mentally dead

 _nevertrustaduck_ : ew physics

 _redheadartist_ : I KNOW I HATE IT

 _gingerinventor_ : SCIENCE IS FUN WHAT

 _gingerinventor_ : BECAUSE LIKE

 _gingerinventor_ : S C I E N C E

 _nevertrustaduck_ : but henry you’re a nerd

 _gingerinventor_ : :(

 _shapechangertess_ : IN A GOOD WAY

 _shapechangertess_ : WE LOVE YOU

 _gingerinventor_ : :)

 _shapechangertess_ : clary are you okay?

 _redheadartist_ : ahhahahahhaahah no

 _santiagoaway_ : same

 


	12. it's a fragile world (much like fingers)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jace is injured. alec deals with his brother. simon is smitten, and also hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo sorry for the wait
> 
> i was dying but all is okay-ish now
> 
> i return to school tomorrow after winter holidays (gotta love australia) and i'm not ready, but this chapter is, so here you go

**_lewissimonlewis added alighterwood, alinepenhallow, halffairhalfgay, magnusificant, nevertrustaduck, nothinglessthanseveninches, redheadartist, shapechangertess and yinfen to the chat_ **

**_lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘HELP A GAY OUT’_ **

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ^^^^^^!!!!!!!

 _alinepenhallow_ : what?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : why have you created a second chat? with not-quite-everyone?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : the people in this chat are all the people currently in happy relationships

 _lewissimonlewis_ : which leads me back to my original point

 _lewissimonlewis_ : hOW DOES ONE RELATIONSHIP

 _halffairhalfgay_ : oh you poor soul

 _halffairhalfgay_ : pining?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : vERY

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i have no idea how to relationship

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND A GIRLFRIEND

 _nevertrustaduck_ : doesn’t mean i know how i did it

 _shapechangertess_ : who is this lucky person you are planning to woo?

 _magnusificant_ : our resident moody vampire

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : CALLED IT

 _lewissimonlewis_ : OKAY SO I MIGHT HIGHKEY LIKE HIM A LOT BUT IDK HOW HE FEELS

 _redheadartist_ : simon

 _redheadartist_ : he went over to your house

 _redheadartist_ : he FELL ASLEEP ON YOUR SHOULDER

 _nevertrustaduck_ : W HAT

 _alinepenhallow_ : !!!!!!!!!!!!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : SEND PROOF

_redheadartist sent a photo to the group_

_lewissimonlewis_ : FRAY YOU SCREEENSHOTTED THAT?!

 _halffairhalfgay_ : that’s!! freaking!! cute!!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : and yeah he fell asleep on my shoulder but that was accidentally and it was probably a 100000% platonic thing and anyways when he woke up he was all red and blushing and it was probably because of me and how he doesn’t want to be close to me so

 _alighterwood_ : jfc breathe simon

 _alinepenhallow_ : i’d like to say, as a fellow gay, THAT IS NOT A VERY HETERO THING TO DO

 _halffairhalfgay_ : boys can be affectionate

 _alinepenhallow_ : tHE BLUSHING, BABE

 _halffairhalfgay_ : tru

 _magnusificant_ : that…. that was the biggest bunch of bullshit i’ve ever seen

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you’re both in love with eachother just accept it

 _yinfen_ : i’m with everyone else. don’t doubt your feelings, just go with the emotions

 _lewissimonlewis_ : my only emotion is ANXIETY

 _halffairhalfgay_ : oooooo if that ain’t me

 _redheadartist_ : ^^^^

 _magnusificant_ : simon, ask him the fuck out before he resigns himself to never having anyone like him ever

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i….

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i think that’s the first time you’ve called me by my name

  
**_group chat ‘OPERATION WORRY ABOUT JEM’_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : question

 _thehotblonde_ : how does one treat a dislocated finger

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : THEE FUCK DID YOU DO JACE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE MY DATE EARLY BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT

 _thehotblonde_ : some sister you are

  
**_redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘jace is an idiot’_**

 

 _thehotblonde_ : i’m not appreciating this harassment

 _thehotblonde_ : but seriously help i’m in pain

 _nevertrustaduck_ : THEN WHY ARE YOU TYPING

 _thehotblonde_ : MY PHONE HAS A WEIRD VOICE TO TEXT THING BUT IT’S A PAIN

 _alighterwood_ : nobody worry i’m helping him

 _alinepenhallow_ : ‘’helping’’

 _nevertrustaduck_ : ????

 _alinepenhallow_ : alec, helen and i are at the lightwood’s to study and hel and i can hear the screams of pain from upstairs

 _halffairhalfgay_ : “jace, hold still.” “YOU’RE GOING TO F***ING SNAP MY FINGER OFF!” “You’ve dealt with worse than this!” “THIS IS AT THE HAND OF MY OWN BROTHER. I FEEL HURT, BETRAYE- *scream of agony, accompanied with a thud and another scream of pain*”

 _halffairhalfgay_ : update: jace is sulking on the kitchen counter with an icepack on his hand, alec is grumbling holding a second icepack to his cheek

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : THE FUCK?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : what the fuck happened there?!

_alinepenhallow sent a video message_

_alinepenhallow_ : i could not have been filming at a better time

 _alinepenhallow_ : PURE COINCIDENCE THAT I CAUGHT THIS

 _redheadartist_ : DID JACE FUCKING PUNCH ALEC’S FACE

 _magnusificant_ : JONATHAN CHRISTOPHER HERONDALE

 _halffairhalfgay_ : huh. so that’s his full name.

 _magnusificant_ : HOW DARE YOU LAY A HAND ON MY BOYFRIEND

 _alinepenhallow_ : “tell magnus to FUCK OFF! I’M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GIVE A SHIT!” - jace

 _alighterwood_ : i’m fine, mags. i had to put jace’s fingers back into place

 _magnusificant_ : HE PUNCHED YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE

 _alighterwood_ : we fought enough growing up, i’m used to being beaten up by him

 _alighterwood_ : but i can also kick his ass if need be

 _redheadartist_ :  _boys_

  
**_private chat between lewissimonlewis and santiagoaway_**

 

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raph?

 _santiagoaway_ : what? also it’s raph _ael_

 _lewissimonlewis_ : sorry, raphael

 _santiagoaway_ : okay what’s wrong

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what?

 _santiagoaway_ : you gave in to the name thing much quicker. something’s wrong

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what? no, nothing’s wrong. and even if hypothetically, something was wrong, i wouldn’t want to load it all onto you and burden you with everything when you probably have much more important things to do

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i couldn’t do that to you

 _santiagoaway_ : … magnus better not be wrong

 _lewissimonlewis_ : wait, magnus? what’s he got to do with anything??

 _santiagoaway_ : simon do you like me?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : of course i like you!

 _santiagoaway_ : i meant romantically.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oh

 _lewissimonlewis_ : um

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i

 _santiagoaway_ : if you don’t then just say so

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i, uh, kind of?

 _santiagoaway_ : kind of?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : kind of a lot, yeah

 _santiagoaway_ : oh

 _santiagoaway_ : same here

 _lewissimonlewis_ : wait, really?!

 _santiagoaway_ : yes

 _lewissimonlewis_ : um, what does this make us?

 _santiagoaway_ : whatever you want to be

 _santiagoaway_ : but simon, you should know that i’m asexual, so don’t want to do anything sex-like. if that’s what you want then maybe it’s best if you find someone better than me but…

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raph (yes i will call you that ha) i like you, not sex

 _santiagoaway_ : okay.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : uh, we could talk properly about what we are tomorrow? over coffee? in person?

 _santiagoaway_ : i’d like that

 _lewissimonlewis_ : also, would i be able say something to the group chat?

 _santiagoaway_ : …what are you planning?

  
**_group chat ‘jace is an idiot’_**

**  
_lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love you."  
> "I kind of... love you too."  
> "Kind of?"  
> "Kind of a lot, yeah."
> 
> \- Lovely Little Losers (watch it [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgyveADib3M6R7HvIHGA91QnBQLLvlQ1P), i'd highly recommend)


	13. wolf in a group chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone screams. a new member joins. luke is mentioned.

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

 _alinepenhallow_ : WHAT

 _redheadartist_ :  _THAT’S_  HOW YOU ANNOUNCE THAT?!?!

 _halffairhalfgay_ : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 _thehotblonde_ : THEFUCK

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : SIMON LEWIS

 _magnusificant_ : took you long enough

 _shapechangertess_ : AWWHHHH BABY RAPH IS GROWING UP. HE’S GOT HIMSELF A BOYFRIEND

 _lewissimonlewis_ : actually,,,, no titles yet. it happened literally minutes ago

 _yinfen_ : !!!!!!!!!

 _redheadartist_ : DETAILS. NOW.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ……yeahhhhh

 _santiagoaway_ : no.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : bye gotta go be gay

 _redheadartist_ : HOW DAARE YOU

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

alinepenhallow: i am… an  _awful_  friend

**_alinepenhallow added huntersmoon to the chat_ **

_huntersmoon_ : you are an awful friend.

 _alinepenhallow_ : bitch

 _alinepenhallow_ : :(((

 _huntersmoon_ : kidding. i wouldn’t put up with you if you were awful.

 _magnusificant_ : ,,,what is this  _proper grammar_

 _nevertrustaduck_ : not in my good christian suburbs!

 _huntersmoon_ : love the memes.

 _huntersmoon_ : i’m maia, she/her.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : R O L E C A L L

 _nevertrustaduck_ : will, he/him/handsome

 _huntersmoon_ : …you’re a Herondale?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yep

 _huntersmoon_ : of course

 _redheadartist_ : clary, she/her

 _shapechangertess_ : tessa, she/her, girlfriend of will and jem

 _yinfen_ : jem, he/him/his

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : isabelle here, she/her, girlfriend of clary

 _thehotblonde_ : jealous much, izzy?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : and jace appears. how’s your finger?

 _thehotblonde_ : sore.

 _huntersmoon_ : ...herondale.

 _thehotblonde_ : that’s me

 _huntersmoon_ : shit.

 _thehotblonde_ : great to see you too

 _alinepenhallow_ : …okayyy

 _alinepenhallow_ : you know me and hel, both she/her

 _redheadartist_ : gotta love the lesbians

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WOO!

 _alighterwood_ : alec, he/him/gay

 _magnusificant_ : magnus bane, he/him

 _lewissimonlewis_ : YO MAIA!

 _huntersmoon_ : hey.

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m Raphael, he/they but mainly he/him

 _alinepenhallow_ : lydia (womenkickass) is never online, but you know her

 _redheadartist_ : and charlotte and henry aren’t here a lot but they are the amazing modern-but-cliché married (straight) couple, and the parents of us thirteen – now fourteen – high school students.

 _huntersmoon_ : so basically it’s your queer friend group combined with the other pretty queer group... plus two parental figures?

 _alighterwood_ : yeah basically

 _huntersmoon_ : sweet

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i feel like i want to comment on the interaction between maia and jace but i think i may get my throat ripped out by a wolf so i won’t

 _huntersmoon_ : smart move.

 _redheadartist_ : omg

 _redheadartist_ : izzy babe is it just me or are you getting rosa diaz vibes?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : OH DAMN YES

 _huntersmoon_ : BROOKLYN NINE NINE

 _huntersmoon_ : YES

 _alinepenhallow_ : DON’T SPOIL I’M ONLY UP TO SEASON TWO

 _alighterwood_ : that’s a damn good show

 _alighterwood_ : also i’m up to season three now

 _huntersmoon_ : i’m not objecting to being rosa tbh.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : clary and izzy are scully and hitchcock pass it on

 _thehotblonde_ : the rest of us have no idea what you’re talking about

 _redheadartist_ : (i’ll create a separate group chat for us to talk so we don’t piss jace off)

 _huntersmoon_ : we can piss him off as much as we want. i don’t care.

 _thehotblonde_ : i care!

 _huntersmoon_ : oh well. if you think i care then you’re wrong.

 _thehotblonde_ : i know you  _really_  care

 _huntersmoon_ : wow you’re even dumber than you look.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : should this be a ship?

 _huntersmoon_ : oh HELL NO

 _thehotblonde_ : IT HAPPENED ONCE

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : UMMM

 _redheadartist_ : EXPLAIN NOW

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND SAID ^^^

 _huntersmoon_ : oh my god. it meant nothing, and i told you to never speak of it.

 _huntersmoon_ : also i have a girlfriend now

 _redheadartist_ : THERE IS ANOTHER GAY

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : MORE LESBIANS

 _huntersmoon_ : technically i’m demiromantic but she is lesbian.

 

 _redheadartist_ : THAT MAKES THREE GAY FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS

 _redheadartist_ : THREE GAY MALE RELATIONSHIPS

 _redheadartist_ : and two straight couples

 _thehotblonde_ : AND TWO SINGLE PEOPLE

 _womenkickass_ : one of whom is not interested.

 _womenkickass_ : hi maia

 _huntersmoon_ : hey lyds

 _womenkickass_ : goodbye

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : she is like an eclipse. she’s gone as soon as she arrives

 _alighterwood_ : gotta love lydia

 _alighterwood_ : platonically

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : she’s an acearo female and you’re a gay male with a boyfriend. no one was thinking it wasn’t platonic

 _nevertrustaduck_ : maia you should add your gf

 _huntersmoon_ : nah she doesn’t like group chats

 _huntersmoon_ : i added her into a group chat with a few of our teammates and she flipped her shit

 _huntersmoon_ : she’s close friends with them all

 _thehotblonde_ : ouch

 _redheadartist_ : teammates?

 _huntersmoon_ : we play soccer. your dad’s the coach, clary

 _redheadartist_ : ah right

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ummmm?!??!?!

 _redheadartist_ : luke, not my biological father

 _alighterwood_ : ah that makes more sense

 _thehotblonde_ : …he intimidates me

 _huntersmoon_ : what is this?! jace herondale, cocky ‘’’’’brave’’’’ douchefuck, intimidated by the lovely luke garroway?

 _thehotblonde_ : have you ever been screamed at by him?

 _huntersmoon_ : okay i give you that. yes, and he is scary when angry.

 _redheadartist_ : what the hell did he yell at you guys about?

 _thehotblonde_ : hooking up with and distracting his star player

 _huntersmoon_ : for 'distracting myself' with a jerk

 _redheadartist_ : WOW

 _alighterwood_ : jfc well done

 _nevertrustaduck_ : kINKY

 _redheadartist_ : i understand why he yelled at you then.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : remember when he gave me the dad talk when we said we were dating?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : he gives off the vibe of an angry alpha dad wolf

 _alighterwood_ : that… makes complete sense, yeah

 _huntersmoon_ : true.

 


	14. be more... gay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aline changes her name. magnus and maia express saltiness for 0.5 seconds. clary is left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _welcome to shadowtexters, how may i take your screaming?_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> sorry for the long break, have a sad excuse for a chapter as an attempted apology  
> i've been in a really bad headspace (still am, tbh) and haven't been inspired or motivated to write at all.

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

_redheadartist_ : yo yoyo yoyoyo

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i read that in john laurens’ voice

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : stop! listening! to! musical! soundtracks! on! repeat! you! nerd!

 _halffairhalfgay_ : never

 _alighterwood_ : you recited half of the first act of Hamilton off by heart in English today

 _alighterwood_ : you need to stop

 _halffairhalfgay_ :  _never_

 _halffairhalfgay_ : not even aline has been able to stop me

 _alinepenhallow_ : it’s true

 _thehotblonde_ : topic change

 _thehotblonde_ : aline your name is so boring

 _alinepenhallow_ : ummmm excuse me?

 _thehotblonde_ : yours and simon’s

 _redheadartist_ : …simon’s is a joke name tho

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : when he first met me he said “i’m lewis. simon… simon lewis. two first names, am i still talking?”

 _lewissimonlewis_ : SO YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE MATHS HOMEWORK FROM YESTERDAY BUT YOU CAN REMEMBER TH A T

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : of course

 _thehotblonde_ : wait is this national pick on simon day? yes please i’ll join

**_alinepenhallow changed their name to ‘gaylinepenhallow’_ **

_gaylinepenhallow_ : better?

 _alighterwood_ : i love it

 _thehotblonde_ : yep

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m gay

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : same

 _alighterwood_ : same here

 _redheadartist_ : rt

 _lewissimonlewis_ : rt

 _halffairhalfgay_ : rt!!

 _magnusificant_ : rt

 _thehotblonde_ : ,,,can’t r elate

 _huntersmoon_ : *cliché bitch voice* “but like,,,, you said you were (insert sexuality other than gay), how can you now call yourself gay?!?1”

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : uUUUGHHHH i stg

 _magnusificant_ : also people who assume sexualities can’t change & those who think you can only be attracted to one gender

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : there’s a few reasons my dad thinks me and clary are ‘galpals’

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : the main one is because of the fact that i’ve had a boyfriend in the past and he thinks i’m straight

 _redheadartist_ :  _yikeys_

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

 _redheadartist_ : has anyone else here seen a very potter musical?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : bACK TOWITCHES AND WIZARDS AND MAGCIAL BEASTS

 _halffairhalfgay_ : TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICCAL FEASTS

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ITS ALL THAT I LOVE ANDN ITS ALL THAT I NEED

 _lottieofstress_ : at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

 _redheadartist_ : WAIT CHARLOTTE YOU’VE SEEN AVPM

 _nevertrustaduck_ : CHARLOT TE

 _lottieofstress_ : You’re acting like I’m super old? I’m only 23?

 _lottieofstress_ : Oh how stress ages a human.

 _gingerinventor_ : you still look just as beautiful to me, dear

 _redheadartist_ : fuck you guys are adorable

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i aspire to be that domestic and cute tbh

 _redheadartist_ : you have a boyfriend just be cute with him

 _lewissimonlewis_ : FINE THEN I WILL

 _santiagoaway_ : i’m here.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : LETS GO BE GAY

 _redheadartist_ : fine then bye

 _redheadartist_ : waait where did everyone else go

 _redheadartist_ : i now feel sad and alone

 _nevertrustaduck_ : I USED TO TALK TO HER ON THE PHONEEE

 _nevertrustaduck_ : BUT NNOW I AM SAD AND ALONNEEE

 _redheadartist_ : ????

 _nevertrustaduck_ : nvm

 _nevertrustaduck_ : bye

 _redheadartist_ : seriously is everyone just leaving?

 _redheadartist_ : helen? you were here a moment ago when i mentioned avpm

 _redheadartist_ : charlotte? henry?

 _redheadartist_ : what the fuck??

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language

 _redheadartist_ : nOW YOU TURN UP WHAT THEFCK HELEN

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me slip in another webseries 
> 
> seriously, if you have _any_ requests, i'm completely open to them. more ideas mean more chapters, hopefully!


	15. everybody's got a red solo cup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's halloween!! clary wants to know everyone's costumes. alec is not a fan of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it is actually the night of halloween at the time of posting for me (australian time zones woo)
> 
> i wrote this chapter in like,,, three hours so there's my excuse for quality of content
> 
> enjoy the chapter!

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : Y’ALL ITS  HALLOWEEN

 _lewissimonlewis_ : YEEEEEEEEE

 _gaylinepenhallow_ :: you guys always get the most excited

 _redheadartist_ : says the one who’s girlfriend is hosting the party

 _magnusificant_ :  i love the one day a year where i can wear as much sparkly shit as possible and not get judged too much for it

 _alighterwood_ : i love you being sparkly though

 _redheadartist_ : c u t e

 _redheadartist_ : okay but what is everyones costumes go

 _redheadartist_ : spoiler alert: simon is going as a vampire again

 _lewissimonlewis_ : okay but raph is as well so ha it’s a couples costume

 _redheadartist_ : wow

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : my wonderful girlfriend and i are going as angels

 _redheadartist_ : izzy has black angel stuff and i got the pure white

 _alighterwood_ : thats kinda cute

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i know

 _redheadartist_ : AWWWWWWWWWW THANKS ALEC

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : we almost went as poison ivy and harley quinn but clary won the coin toss

 _lewissimonlewis_ : THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO COOL!!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I KN O W

 _magnusificant_ :   i’m trying to persuade alec to do a couples costume with me…

 _magnusificant_ : he wont even do a costume.

 _redheadartist_ : why do you even date him then?

 _magnusificant_ : many reasons, biscuit ;)

 _thehotblonde_ : there’s mental image i didn’t need

 _huntersmoon_ : my girlfriend and i are going as wolves

 _huntersmoon_ : as well as a lot of our friends but still

 _redheadartist_ : jace!! what are you going as!

 _thehotblonde_ : ……

 _thehotblonde_ : captain america

 _lewissimonlewis_ :  ffegcfhjfhfhfh

 _redheadartist_ : !!!!!!!!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : holy fuck actually?!

 _redheadartist_ : that’s actually amamzing

 _redheadartist_ : but alec! you need to go as something!!

 _alighterwood_ : okay fine i have a scary costume

 _redheadartist_ : go on…

 _alighterwood_ : myself

 _alighterwood_ : but  _straight_

 _thehotblonde_ : oi

 _redheadartist_ : really, alec?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i think we’ve got our costumes sorted

 _shapechangertess_ : after hours of bickering

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ooh yes what are the trio going as?!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : the harry potter golden trio

 _nevertrustaduck_ : i’m harry, ofc

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m hermione, apparently, and jem is ron-but-looks-more-like-draco

 _lewissimonlewis_ : how did you sort out who was who?

 _yinfen_ :  well tess is the only female of us three, so she became hermione, and will’s messy hair resembles harry more than ron

 _yinfen_ : although his personality is closer to ron…

 _nevertrustaduck_ : but i look damn good in glasses

 _yinfen_ : this much is true

 _shapechangertess_ : ^^^^

 _magnusificant_ : i have missed you three and your shenanigans.

 _redheadartist_ : cuteeeeeeee

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : where is the hostess of this party? and her girlfriend? i need to know what the fellow gaygirls are going as!

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : we’re going as ‘the lesbians from next door’

 _shapechangertess_ : wait AS IN

 _halffairhalfgay_ : falsettos!!

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : false heteros

 _halffairhalfgay_ : true

 _shapechangertess_ : the original modern family

 _alighterwood_ : another musicial?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : only an amazing musical with beautiful character development and representation of both gay and lesbian relationships

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : yeah

 _alighterwood_ : oh is that the one with the psychiatrist and ten year old who is tired of his parent’s shit?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : language but YES

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : baby there's swearing all throughout the musical yet you love it don't bother with 'language'

 _halffairhalfgay_ : shush <3

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : looklooklooklooklook it’s a lesBIAN FROM NEXT DO O R

 _halffairhalfgay_ : FOLLOWED BY HER LOVER WHo’s a (bisexual) lesbian from next door tooooooo

 _redheadartist_ : WAIT WAS IT THE 80s LESBIANS YOU SHOWED ME HELEN

 _halffairhalfgay_ : YEEAH

 _redheadartist_ : n  i ce

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_magnusificant_ : i persuaded alec to wear a costume!!

 _redheadartist_ : of course you could

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i mean magnus is the only person alec listens to

 _redheadartist_ : true

 _lewissimonlewis_ : so?!!? what is is!!??!

 _magnusificant_ : youll have to wait and see, severus

 _nevertrustaduck_ : EWSNAPE

 _lewissimonlewis_ : #canthatesnapealone

 _womenkickass_ : remove that evil name from where i can read it

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : LYDIA WHATA RE YOU GOING AS FOR HELEN’S HALLOWEEN PARTY

 _womenkickass_ : i’m not sure yet

 _redheadartist_ : go! as! supergirl!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : YES LYDIA ^^^

 _womenkickass_ : why specifically supergirl?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : she’s a superhero and you are practically that? i mean there’s no other way to explain how you survive with all the pressure being put on you

 _lewissimonlewis_ : she’s fucking amazing

 _redheadartist_ : she’s blonde as well

 _alighterwood_ : the party is tonight?? are you even able to get a costume that quickly?

 _womenkickass_ : tell that to the costume i’m holding as i type.

 _alighterwood_ : okay you are worthy of being a superhero.

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : AAAAAAAAAA

 

**_nothinglessthanseveninches_ _kicked alighterwood and magnusificant from the chat_**

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : OKAY HE TOLD ME NOT TO SPOIL BUT FREAKING LOOK

_nothinglessthanseveninches sent a photo message_

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I SNUCK A PHOTO OF THEIR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

 _redheadartist_ : wHY DOES MAGNUS LOOK SO…

 _redheadartist_ : P L A I N

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : fajkfhljasfhjs ALEC HAS NEVER LOOKED GAYER

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : AND IVE SEEN HIM WITH RAINBOWS PAINTED ONTO HIS CHEEKS

 _huntersmoon_ : magnus that is the OPPOSITE of sparkly

 _lewissimonlewis_ : FUCK THOUGH

 _lewissimonlewis_ : ITS LIKE SOME FUCKING ALTERNATE REALITY SHIT

 _redheadartist_ : LIKE WHERE ALEC IS THE OUTGOING, OPENLY QUEER ONE AND MAGNUS IS… NOT

 _huntersmoon_ : i cant stop laughing oh my god

 _lewissimonlewis_ : OKAY BUT IN THIS MALEC AU WORLD WHAT WOULD WE ALL BE

 _redheadartist_ : id probably have a normal family and be ‘’straight’’

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oh my god youd totally be with jace

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : WHY DO OUR RELATIONSHIPS HAVE TO CHANGE IF MALEC ARE STILL MALEC

 _lewissimonlewis_ : jace would be a cute soft barista boy tbh

 _thehotblonde_ : you and isabelle would be a thing

 _redheadartist_ : izzy would probably be an adorable star wars nerd wi- WHAT THE FUCK JACE

 _thehotblonde_ : simon would be the ‘cool nerd’

 _huntersmoon_ : okay but highkey simon and jace would be best friends

 _gaylinepenhallow_ :  alec would be Done With the Straights™

 _halffairhalfgay_ : mood

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : what would we be?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : you’d be some sort of public figure who spoke out for what’s right

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i’d be your gorgeous trophy wife

 _redheadartist_ : goals

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : …are you saying you’d marry me?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i mean of course i would

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : dgfjakfgfljssa

 _halffairhalfgay_ : please excuse me while i go kiss my girlfriend

 _huntersmoon_ : they are too perfect

 _thehotblonde_ :  mm true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have finally gotten back into regularly writing this so expect some more chapters more often


	16. cat eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gsa is a thing. and (mostly) unrelated, everyone is worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i posted yesterday but i wanted this up
> 
> i got sent home early today bc of a panic attack so yeeeaaahhh i'm in a great headspace
> 
> i don't think it's really sunk in how many people have actually read this fic or how many people have left kudos and written comments, but thank you so much to everyone who has!! for those who are only just finding it, to those that have been here since chapter one, and everyone in between. thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!
> 
> enjoy!

_**private conversation between magnusificant and shapechangertess** _

 

 _magnusificant_ : dearest tessa

 _shapechangertess_ : hm?

 _magnusificant_ : do you know if i left my…

 _magnusificant_ : shirt. at your place? from last night with you and your boys?

 _shapechangertess_ : let me check. i didn’t see anything earlier but i’ll double check

 _shapechangertess_ : wait magnus did you mean your binder?

 _magnusificant_ : yes.

 _shapechangertess_ : i found it here. i’ll leave early for school and drop it off to you?

 _magnusificant_ : you’re an angel <3

 _shapechangertess_ : ik <3

 

_**group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’** _

 

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : anyone know if we have a sub for history or not today?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : if i say yes, will you be in class?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : no comment

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : we’re supposed to have a sub yeah

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : thanks x

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : crap alec is yelling i fORGOT

****

**_nothinglessthanseveninches added alighterwood and magnusificant to the chat_ **

_magnusificant_ : isabelle dear

 _magnusificant_ : are you planning on skipping?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : pshhhhh of course not

 _magnusificant_ : …

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : if  _hypothetically_  the answer is yes, don’t tell your boyfriend

 _alighterwood_ : hm?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ :  _nothing_

 _lewissimonlewis_ : Y’ALL IT’S THE FIRST GSA MEETING TODAY

 _redheadartist_ : finally!

 _redheadartist_ : “”y’all””

 _lewissimonlewis_ : shut up i’m excited

 _lewissimonlewis_ : also guess which grumpy vampire i convinced to come!

 _lewissimonlewis_ : (hint: he’s my boyfriend)

 _redheadartist_ : uhhhh…. jace?

 _redheadartist_ : actually he’s too tanned to be a vampire

 _nevertrustaduck_ : this is the conversation i wake up to

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i’m hurt, clary

 _alighterwood_ : they literally went as vampires for Halloween…

 _lewissimonlewis_ : _I_ went as a vampire, raph just went in his natural state

 _nevertrustaduck_ : does simon have a vampire kink?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : WHATT THE HELL N OO

 _magnusificant_ : topic change from simon’s sex life

 _lewissimonlewis_ : thank g O D

 _magnusificant_ : is everyone coming to GSA?

 _alighterwood_ : you know i am

 _magnusificant_ : aww <3

 _alighterwood_ : …

 _alighterwood_ : <3

 _redheadartist_ : screenshotted i am blessed to have witnessed this

 _redheadartist_ : and yes i think we persuaded everyone to come

 _shapechangertess_ : will, jem and i will be there!

 _redheadartist_ : yay jem!!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : no celebration for me? i’m hurt, midget

 _redheadartist_ : well i WAS going to celebreate you as well but you ruined it

 _redheadartist_ : but  yay tessa!!

 _nevertrustaduck_ : rude

 _shapechangertess_ : you deserved it, will

 _nevertrustaduck_ : hURT

 _shapechangertess_ : shush <3

 _nevertrustaduck_ : hmph

 _lewissimonlewis_ : is jace coming?

 _alighterwood_ : i mean i assume so but he’s the only person i’m not sure of

 _shapechangertess_ : what about Lydia?

 _magnusificant_ : her, isabelle and i all co-run it

 _lewissimonlewis_ : damn

 _huntersmoon_ : i mean they are three of the most vocal activists at school

 _magnusificant_ : most of the people in this chat can be counted as vocal lgbtq+ activists

 _huntersmoon_ : true

 _womenkickass_ : some of us are just in a better position where we don’t have to worry about our own lives every time we speak up

 _womenkickass_ : there are still homophobes and transphobes but those of us fortunate enough to be able to speak freely overpower those preaching hatred

 _redheadartist_ : translation: we’re lucky to not be killed for who we are and dicks still exist but we’re fucking better than them

 _womenkickass_ : …yeah.

  

_**group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’** _

 

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : help please

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : i’m at school early and sebastian morgenstern just tried to punch a sophomore from GSA what do i do

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : wait fuck what

_gaylinepenhallow sent a video message_

_nevertrustaduck_ : wait why did the video cut out like that

 _alighterwood_ : aline where are you

 _alighterwood_ : … aline?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : aline penhallow where are you

 _huntersmoon_ : ALINE

 _thehotblonde_ : i’m going to kill that white haired fuckhead

 _lottieofstress_ : What’s going on?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : a douchefuck named sebastian just almost punched a guy, aline sent a video of it to show us, the video cut out oddly and now she’s not responding

 _lottieofstress_ : Aline’s at school?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : yes i’m running to school now

 _lottieofstress_ : Is anyone else at school?

 _magnusificant_ : tessa and i are driving to school right now

 _yinfen_ : good

 _thehotblonde_ : what the actual fuck is happening

 _yinfen_ : the video was from the cafeteria, right?

 _alighterwood_ : yeah

 _nevertrustaduck_ : charlotte is trying to contact the school

 _alighterwood_ : aline isn’t answering any calls

 _nevertrustaduck_ : sebastian’s aggressively homophobic,  right?

 _alighterwood_ : very

 _huntersmoon_ : if aline tried to intervene, sebastian may have attacked her as well.

 _yinfen_ : she and helen aren’t closeted at all, are they?

 _alighterwood_ : fuck

 _alighterwood_ : helen

 _huntersmoon_ : i’m calling her

 _thehotblonde_ : isabelle called, she just got to school and is running to the cafeteria to find aline

 _huntersmoon_ : helen didn’t pick up

 _shapechangertess_ : we just pulled up at the school

 _lottieofstress_ : School office isn’t open for calls yet.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : where’s aline

 _halffairhalfgay_ : what the hell happened

 _thehotblonde_ : maia tried calling you… read up.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : …

 _halffairhalfgay_ : where the  _fuck_  is my girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry?
> 
> feel free to yell at me in the comments.


	17. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone starts to breathe again. no one addresses helen swearing.  
> aline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy the chapter!  
> (i'm not the happiest with it but i'm in a ditch of writers block rn so,,,,)

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

 _shapechangertess_ : i’ve been asked to update everyone while isabelle and magnus have their hands full

 _alighterwood_ : is aline okay?

 _huntersmoon_ : ^^^^!!!

 _shapechangertess_ : maia, you were right. aline intervened and sebastian just turned on her and they got into a fight (this is what a bystander said)

 _nevertrustaduck_ : fucking hell

 _alighterwood_ : oh fucking shit

 _shapechangertess_ : some girl (nobody there recognised her, i didn't see her) came yelling and Sebastian did his shitty scoffing thing and left

 _huntersmoon_ : he can die

 _thehotblonde_ : how does he even go to the school what the fuck

 _shapechangertess_ : aline’s being taken to the nurse, she was knocked unconscious and is only just coming to.

 _alighterwood_ : i’m driving to school right now who needs to be picked up

 _nevertrustaduck_ : me

 _thehotblonde_ : i'll steal a ride

 _huntersmoon_ : me pls

 _lewissimonlewis_ : raph and i are picking up clary and coming now

 

**private chat between lewissimonlewis and thehotblonde**

_thehotblonde_ : how much does clary know

 _lewissimonlewis_ : what?

 _thehotblonde_ : of course i’m really worried about aline, but sebastian is still clary’s brother… does she know this was all him?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : she doesn’t know it was sebastian. she knows aline got hurt, not how. should i tell her to read the group chat?

 _thehotblonde_ : no. you don’t want her to read the chat and possibly break down without anyone else being there for her

 _lewissimonlewis_ : true. thanks, jace

 _thehotblonde_ : see you at school

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_shapechangertess_ : the nurse kicked us all out

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : she allowed helen in though

 _yinfen_ : helen made it to school?

 _shapechangertess_ : when you guys arrive you’ll see us in the hallway

 _huntersmoon_ : alec, jace, will and i are two minutes away

 _thehotblonde_ : alec is borderline speeding… less than two minutes

 _magnusificant_ : tell him i said to slow down. we can’t have any more injuries.

 _santiagoaway_ : simon wanted me to update you all that we will be later to school as simon has to first inform clary that this was morgenstern’s doing.

 _lottieofstress_ : Has someone contacted Aline’s parents?

 _shapechangertess_ : the nurse said she has

 _lottieofstress_ :  Okay, good.

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_alighterwood_ : the nurse is sending everyone away from outside the door now

 _yinfen_ : how many of you are still staying?

 _magnusificant_ : alexander, maia, and myself. oh, and helen, who’s still in the room.

 _magnusificant_ : nvm, she’s sending us away as well

 _lottieofstress_ : Is helen still staying?

 _huntersmoon_ : i think if the nurse tried to make helen leave then she would just pick up her girlfriend and walk out

 _alighterwood_ : she’s terrifying

 _huntersmoon_ : the nurse or helen?

 _alighterwood_ : yes

 

**_private chat between halffairhalfgay and redheadartist_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : hey

 _redheadartist_ : so i don’t know when you’ll see this, but i at least figured that you’d see it before aline, and maybe…

 _redheadartist_ : maybe pass on the message.

 _redheadartist_ : but i am so, so sorry for what Sebastian did. if it was anyone else i probably wouldn’t be apologising like this, but since he’s my brother…

 _redheadartist_ : i can’t help  but feel guilty on behalf of him.

 _redheadartist_ : so i apologise for his existence and the fact  that he’s a homophobic dick

 _redheadartist_ : i hope you’ll be okay soon. both of you.

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

_halffairhalfgay_ : aline and i are going home

 _halffairhalfgay_ : well, she’s going to the doctor

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i’m not leaving her side though

 _alighterwood_ : do you need someone to drive you?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : dont worry about it. aline’s mother is coming.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : jia’s leaving work for her!?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : yeah

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : damn

 _halffairhalfgay_ : any update on the literal demon?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : well considering there’s actual video evidence of what he did, starting from right where aline intervened, he can get in a whole load of trouble.

 _lewissimonlewis_ : fucking good

 _alighterwood_ : i hope he dies

 

**_private chat between halffairhalfgay and redheadartist_ **

****

_halffairhalfgay_ : oh clary please don’t blame yourself for that douche

 _halffairhalfgay_ : aline doesn’t blame you at all either

 _halffairhalfgay_ : “tell her i said if anything i feel sorry that she even has to think of herself as related to him”

 _halffairhalfgay_ : word for word, that’s what she said

 _halffairhalfgay_ : you. are. not. sebastian.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : don’t apologise for something you can’t be blamed for at all

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_gaylinepenhallow_ : guess who has a concussion!!

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : this ga6yjkl

 _lewissimonlewis_ : aline!!!

 _alighterwood_ : ‘ga6yjkl’ ???

 _halffairhalfgay_ : shes not allowed on her freaking phone so i stole it mid text

 _halffairhalfgay_ : apparently it was supposed to say ‘this gay’

 _alighterwood_ : ah

 _nevertrustaduck_ : logical

 _halffairhalfgay_ : “my girlfriend is mean… and pretty.” – aline

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i’m not mean, i’m just listening to the doctor on behalf of her

 _alighterwood_ :  i mean its shit that you have a concussion but i’m glad its not worse

 _lewissimonlewis_ : how much are you not allowed to do?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : it’s only a minor concussion, but no technology, reading, bright light or too much movement for the next 24 hours, then slowly returning to normal life after that.

 _nevertrustaduck_ : shit

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

 

 _alighterwood_ : i cant stop thinking i could have stopped aline from getting hurt.

 _alighterwood_ : if id been there i could have stopped him

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i know

 _lewissimonlewis_ : could’ve, should’ve, couldn’t, shouldn’t… we can’t change what happened

 _magnusificant_ : you would have gotten hurt, and she would be wishing she had done something

 _magnusificant_ : there is no way to change what he did, alec

 _alighterwood_ : i’m worried that sebastian wont get the punishment he deserves

 _yinfen_ : we wouldn’t dare let him get away with this

 _magnusificant_ : where are you?

 _alighterwood_ : in my car. around the block.

 _magnusificant_ : i’m coming. but know this, alexander.

 _magnusificant_ : you’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right.

 _magnusificant_ : you, and every single other  person in this chat.

 _magnusificant_ : this won’t just blow over. none of us will let that happen.

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_halffairhalfgay_ : its lunch now, right??

 _nevertrustaduck_ : yyep

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : we postponed GSA to after school instead of lunchtime so we could make sure we got the update that aline was at least semi-okay

 _halffairhalfgay_ : “you didn’t have to do that” – aline

 _halffairhalfgay_ : that’s really sweet, guys!!

 _alighterwood_ : did you really think we wouldn’t, aline?

 _magnusificant_ : we would have spent the entire time worrying, anyways

 _yinfen_ : i think everyone was worrying.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ...you 'think'?

 _alighterwood_ : iz.

 _halffairhalfgay_ : yeah. i know...


	18. the return of nicknames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chat name is finally changed. nicknames return. everyone is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm crying about ben platt leaving deh (any other fans?) but here's another chapter!

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches sent a video message_

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : just so you know, i titled this file ‘thenerd sings’

 _halffairhalfgay_ : is this simon’s gig??

 _lewissimonlewis_ : it was an open mic but yeah

 _lewissimonlewis_ : a few old friends of mine also showed up and helped me out with instruments though!

 _thehotblonde_ : oh those were the three guys who looked as weird as you

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i would be offended but it’s you saying that so

 _lewissimonlewis_ : but yeah, they were Eric, Matt and Kirk

 _alighterwood_ : clary performed as well

 _redheadartist_ : yesss!! thank you alec

_magnusificant sent a video message_

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : my girlfriend x

 _halffairhalfgay_ : damn you guys are both great

 _nevertrustaduck_ : damn

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i want to see magnus sing tbh

 _magnusificant_ : i really can’t sing that well

 _shapechangertess_ : fjhjahwflhaw

 _yinfen_ : you’ll find that to be a lie

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you can dance amazingly, i’m sure you ca sing as well

 _alighterwood_ : you dance!??!

 _magnusificant_ : just for fun, alexander

 _alighterwood_ :  …….

 _alighterwood_ : you knew, izzy?!

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : …sorry?

 _redheadartist_ : i think you killed alec

 _nevertrustaduck_ : alec.exe has stopped responding

 _yinfen_ : really, will?

 _shapechangertess_ : i wish had my laptop on me!! i have a video of him dancing

_santiagoaway sent a video message_

_lewissimonlewis_ : babe!!

 _santiagoaway_ : …

 _magnusificant_ : okay i’m not questioning why tessa has a video of me dancing, but _you_ raphael??

 _redheadartist_ : magnus dancing reminds me why i’m bi

 _huntersmoon_ : mood

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : something thudded from alec’s room so i went to investigate and

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : he fell onto the floor and isn’t responding and is just staring at that video

_nothinglessthanseveninches sent a photo message_

_lewissimonlewis_ : now THAT’S a mood

 _shapechangertess_ : omfg

 _redheadartist_ : if he was in an anime he’d have a bleeding nose

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m 90% sure he hit his nose as he fell and it’s bleeding anyway

 _magnusificant_ :  that video is a few years old…

 _shapechangertess_ : just after you started transitioning, right?

 _magnusificant_ : yeah

 _yinfen_ : wait is that you dancing in a binder

 _santiagoaway_ : yes it is

 _santiagoaway_ : i told him not to but he did not listen

 _magnusificant_ : i want to say never again but i can’t live without my binder on so

 _nevertrustaduck_ : don’t break a fucking rib

 _halffairhalfgay_ : l a n g u a g e

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so you are continuing

 _halffairhalfgay_ : …yes???

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you realise you swore yesterday?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : i think it’s okay to swear when your girlfriend disappears without a warning with a major threat around her

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : okay yeah you make a good point

 

**_group chat ‘saphael is canon, bitches’_ **

****

_lewissimonlewis_ : i think everyone has gotten the message by now

 

**_lewissimonlewis changed the chat name to ‘lacking of heterosexuality and wills to live’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : you good there lewis?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : peachy, fray

 

**_shapechangertess changed their name to ‘straight™’_ **

****

_thehotblonde_ :  mood

 _lewissimonlewis_ : hence why i said ‘lacking’ and not ‘complete lack of’

 _alighterwood_ :  can’t relate

**_halffairhalfgay changed their name to ‘gay bisexual’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : same

 _magnusificant_ : i can relate

 _straight™_ : is this a thing now?

 _gay bisexual_ :  why not?

 

**_gay bisexual changed their name to ‘soft bi’_ **

**_redheadartist changed their name to ‘getting bi’_ **

**_alighterwood changed their name to ‘…gay’_ **

**_magnusificant changed their name to ‘glitter bi’_ **

****

_thehotblonde_ : this looks like it’ll be fun

 

**_thehotblonde changed their name to ‘smoking straight’_ **

**_lewissimonlewis changed their name to ‘PANSEXUALIEN’_ **

****

_nevertrustaduck_ : LAST TIME WE DID THIS WE GOT YELLED AT

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : they started it this time so

 

**_nevertrustaduck changed their name to ‘confusion’_ **

**_yinfen changed their name to ‘snowflake’_ **

****

_straight™_ : NO JEM DO NOT please

**_snowflake changed their name to ‘loverboy’_ **

****

_straight™_ : <3

 _smoking straight_ : will your name is a M O O D

 _confusion_ : don’t i know it

 _glitter bi_ : relatable

 _…gay_ : @ will you got yelled at last time because you chose our names. we’re choosing our own this time

 _getting bi_ : do you think if we spam enough the others will come on and change their names?

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : raphh

**_santiagoaway changed their name to ‘eating cake’_ **

****

_eating cake_ : i am living up to the asexual stereotypes

 _womenkickass_ : were you lurking, raphael?

 _eating cake_ : yeah

 

**_womenkickass changed their name to ‘no romo’_ **

****

_no romo_ : it feels fitting

 _getting bi_ : i LOVE IT

 _…gay_ : i think lydia wins

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : i mean hers is amazing but mine is PANTASTIC

 _soft bi_ : wait i found a better one

 

**_soft bi changed their name to ‘bi the way’_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : I’M LATE TO THE PARTY

 

**_nothinglessthanseveninches changed their name to ‘pantastic’_ **

****

_PANSEXUALIEN_ : OI

 _pantastic_ : shut it

 

**_pantastic changed the chat name to ‘queerly beloved’_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : i’m joining this name party

 _pantastic_ : yes maia join us!

 

**_huntersmoon changed their name to ‘semi demi’_ **

****

_getting bi_ : i have a better chat name idea

 

**_getting bi changed the chat name to ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_pantastic_ : love u x

 _getting bi_ : xxx

 

**_gaylinepenhallow changed their name to ‘gallium & yttrium’_ **

****

_bi the way_ : BABE

 _bi the way_ : WHY ARE YOU ON YOUR PHONE

 _gallium & yttrium_: i’m allowed to now!!

 _gallium & yttrium_: besides i’m in my room in the quiet so it really isn’t much

 _bi  the way_ : …you busy?

 _gallium & yttrium_: nope

 _bi the way_ : can i come to yours?

 _gallium & yttrium_: my parents aren’t home

 _bi the way_ : im coming

 _getting bi_ : PRIVATE MESSAAGES EXIST GUYS

 _smoking straight_ : KEEP THE PRIVATE LIVES PRIVATE

 _eating cake_ :   i’m too ace for this

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : damn helen gETTING SOME

 _getting bi_ : S I M O N

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : WHAT?

 _pantastic_ : raphael…. why do you date him

 _eating cake_ : i’m asking myself the same thing

 _PANSEXUALIEN_ : cause i’m one of a kind <3

 _eating cake_ : sure.

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_gallium & yttrium sent a video message_

_gallium & yttrium_: y’all are dirty

 _confusion_ : are you… singing?

 _bi the way_ : this is literally what we do when we’re home alone

 _getting bi_ : …

 _…gay_ : this is the true gay agenda

 _confusion_ : m o o d

 _gallium & yttrium_: one day my neighbours will complain

 _…gay_ : worry about that when it comes

 _confusion_ : i have been inspired by you two and am now serenading tess and jem

 _straight™_ : he’s screeching

 _loverboy_ : it’s… passionate

 _straight™_ : it’s deafening

 _loverboy_ : okay its pretty bad

 _glitter bi_ : you love him

 _loverboy_ : yeah

 _straight™_ :  hmm…

 _…gay_ : relationships.

 _eating cake_ : me @ simon whenever he does anything questionable

 _no romo_ : Can’t relate.

 _semi demi_ : honestly its my girlfriend @ me whenever i’m in this group chat

 _smoking straight_ : is that a dig at us?

 _semi demi_ : maybe

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_gallium & yttrium_: you know how i said one day my neighbours will get annoyed of our sining and yell at us

 _pantastic_ : yeah

 _confusion_ : yee

 _bi the way_ : that day is today

 _gallium & yttrium_: it was fucking hilarious though

 _bi the way_ : “”my husband is trying to work, if you could please keep your volume down!!””

 _bi the way_ : she was quite rude

 _pantastic_ : oh my god was she Neurotypical Karen™

 _bi the way_ : basically

 _bi the way_ : aline’s response was absolutely hilarious though omg

 _confusion_ : omg what the fuck  did you say

 _bi the way_ : ((language))

 _gallium & yttrium_: “sorry, me and my girlfriend were just conducting the gay calling ritual. to find our fellow homosexuals.”

 _pantastic_ : OH MY GOD THAT’S BRILLIANT

 _confusion_ : YOU GUYS ARE SUCH INSPIRATIONS

 _…gay_ :  oh my god

 _gallium & yttrium_: ((no i’m not amazing at improvising sassy comments, i’ve been wanting to say that to someone for _months_ ))

 _bi the way_ : she just kind of… stopped. then left without saying another word.

 _gallium & yttrium_: i’m definitely going to be yelled at by mom later on

 _…gay_ : was it worth it?

 _gallium & yttrium_: oh definitely


	19. comebacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chat app updates. mostly unrelated, no one is happy. maia worries.  
> the author is sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's backbackback  
> back again  
> this shitheads back  
> im sorry, friends
> 
> yeah lol hi sorry for not updating this for five-six months or so
> 
> this chapter's dedicated to 'a random ewok child' who sent me an anon on my tumblr ([pathetical-errors](https://pathetical-errors.tumblr.com)) and inspired me to write again, and now i've written it so i can't _not_ write follow-up chapters. hopefully it won't take as long!

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

_nevertrustaduck_ : morning gays

 _nevertrustaduck_ : where’s my nickname

 _yinfen_ : oh thank god nicknames were removed

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you wound me, james

 _yinfen_ : it was too confusing

 _lewissimonlewis_ : sup homos

 _lewissimonlewis_ : oh

 _alighterwood_ : why are you all up chatting at this late hour of 12pm on a Saturday

 _redheadartist_ : who said i ever slept

 _yinfen_ : …you should really sleep

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : someone was keeping her up ;))

 _alighterwood_ : aaaand number one of things i did not need to know this morning

 _redheadartist_ : you’ve heard worse tbh alec

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m sure magnus’ neighbours have heard worse ;)))))))

 _alighterwood_ : i don’t like this

 _nevertrustaduck_ : perks of a groupchat, am i right?

 _thehotblonde_ : where is my nickname

 _shapechangertess_ : app updated i think

 _shapechangertess_ : removed all nicknames

 _lewissimonlewis_ : :((

 _alighterwood_ : oh thank god

 _yinfen_ : it feels like way too long since we talked here

 _redheadartist_ : time is weird

 

**_private chat between lewissimonlewis and redheadartist_ **

_lewissimonlewis_ : can we hang out?

 _redheadartist_ : pick me up with a coffee in 10

 _lewissimonlewis_ : yeah

 _redheadartist_ : how serious a talk do you need??

 _lewissimonlewis_ : like… 7.5

 _redheadartist_ : make that two coffees

 _redheadartist_ : and a muffin

 _lewissimonlewis_ : isabelle’s coming?

 _redheadartist_ : you know it

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

 

 _magnusificant_ : fun fact- baby pigeons are the worst thing to exist

 _magnusificant_ : have a good night

 _shapechangertess_ : MAGNUS W HY

 _magnusificant_ : theyre so ugly and unlovable yet i want five

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : they’re gross

 _shapechangertess_ : finally, someone with common sense and a working pair of eyes

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : youre welcome

 _magnusificant_ : this is biphobia

 _alighterwood_ : tag yourself i'm ugly and unlovable

 

**_private chat between thehotblonde and gaylinepenhallow_ **

****

_thehotblonde_ : how do you casually tell a dude that you want to suck his dick

 _thehotblonde_ : wait wrong chat

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : what the actual fuck

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : who was that meant to be to?!

 _thehotblonde_ : uh

 _thehotblonde_ : it was supposed to be to not you

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : i’m pretending this never happened

 _thehotblonde_ : thank

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : wait you shouldn’t be up at midnight you need sleep for your sport thing you do

 _thehotblonde_ : football?

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : yeah that one

 _thehotblonde_ : eh ill live

 _thehotblonde_ : wait

 _thehotblonde_ : you’re recovering from a fucking concussion, you should definitely be asleep

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : what my girlfriend doesn’t know, i can’t be forced to be guilty over

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

 

 _halffairhalfgay_ : anyone else up at the ripe time of 3:41am?

 _halffairhalfgay_ : because i’m sad and i don’t want to wake aline when she’s asleep

 _halffairhalfgay_ : …

 _halffairhalfgay_ : its been fifteen minutes so i’ll assume no

_halffairhalfgay deleted four messages_

_halffairhalfgay_ : i like this new update

 

**_private chat between lottieofstress and yinfen_ **

_yinfen_ : if you see will at any point today please check up on him

 _lottieofstress_ : Jem… it’s barely 5am. What happened?

 _yinfen_ : we just argued, nothing much. just don’t want him being stupid.

 _yinfen_ : sorry if i woke you charlotte

 _lottieofstress_ : Please don’t apologise, it’s all okay. I’ll watch out for him, but you be careful as well, Jem.

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

 

 _alighterwood_ : is this what being drunk feels like

 _alighterwood_ : whats going on

 _alighterwood_ : things cant be good whenthe carp et is tha t clos e

 _thehotblonde_ : what the fuck alec

 _thehotblonde_ : why are you drunk

 _thehotblonde_ : what was that crashing noise

 _thehotblonde_ : okay why the fuck am i the only one awake dealing with this

 _alighterwood_ : m anjeg u ha te

 _thehotblonde_ : okay im coming upstairs

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : i disappear for one day.

 _huntersmoon_ : what the fuck even happened here

 _gaylinepenhallow_ : if you thought this was bad, don’t try and imagine the pms

 _huntersmoon_ : there’s a story to that, and i’m not being told it.

 

**_private chat between huntersmoon and womenkickass_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : do you have any idea about whats going on?

 _womenkickass_ : Simon is sad (possibly about his relationship).

 _womenkickass_ : Magnus and Alec don’t know how to communicate, something about coming out.

 _womenkickass_ : Jace did something wrong and is embarrassed about it.

 _womenkickass_ : Helen is hiding something.

 _womenkickass_ : Will had an argument with someone, maybe Jem?

 _womenkickass_ : and you’re acting like a mother wolf with her cubs.

 _huntersmoon_ : holy fuck

 _huntersmoon_ : how do you know all of this?

 _womenkickass_ : Simon, Clary and Isabelle were all drinking coffee and Simon had a black coffee.

 _huntersmoon_ : god save that boy jfc

 _womenkickass_ : Magnus was nightblogging on tumblr (hence the pigeons) and Alec was lurking the chat

 _huntersmoon_ : you know alec really well, i’ll trust that

 _womenkickass_ : Also he drunk texted me for advice

 _huntersmoon_ : ah

 _womenkickass_ : Jace accidentally sent me a message saying ‘end me now’.

 _huntersmoon_ : i don’t even want to know what happened there

 _womenkickass_ : yes, you do.

 _huntersmoon_ : yes i do.

 _womenkickass_ : Helen deleted messages in the group chat and hasn’t spoken to Aline about anything.

 _huntersmoon_ : somethings really bad if even those two can’t sort their shit

 _womenkickass_ : charlotte was online at 5am, and she only would be if something serious was happening. also, I saw will walking at a park alone at the same time.

 _huntersmoon_ : why are all the good relationships having issues ;-;

 _womenkickass_ : because nothing can ever be happy in our lives as high school students, apparently.

 _huntersmoon_ : well that’s positive

 _huntersmoon_ : love you lydia, thank you for this trusted information

 _womenkickass_ : <3

 _womenkickass_ : now sleep, it’s barely sunrise on a Sunday morning

 _huntersmoon_ : best mom friend ever

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

 

 _gingerinventor_ : kids these days

 _lottieofstress_ : You’re only 22, dear.

 _lottieofstress_ : If anything, I should be feeling old.

 _gingerinventor_ : you’re still young to me, lottie

 _lottieofstress_ : How charming <3

 _huntersmoon_ : well there’s some happiness in the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i'm so sorry
> 
> (but tag yourself as a character this chapter, i'm helen and/or maia


	20. the mighty fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maia still worries. things are broken, some of them bones. issues are... sorted? worsened? ignored? all of the above?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...hi?  
>  i'd be sorry but this may or may not be the beginning of _the end_.

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

_shapechangertess_ : it’s… been 67 years of silence.

 _shapechangertess_ : what is going on.

 _huntersmoon_ : i’ve been asking myself this for what feels like months

 _lewissimonlewis_ : its been less than two hours since the last message

 _santiagoaway_ : people actually have real lives that exist out of this stupid app, you know

 _huntersmoon_ : uhhh… okay?

 _lewissimonlewis_ : and some people have feelings that change, but let’s disregard that as well :))))))))))

 _shapechangertess_ : fucking y i k e s

 _santiagoaway_ : seriously? you want to talk about feelings, hijo de puta?

 

**_shapechangertess has kicked santiagoaway from the chat_ **

****

_shapechangertess_ : what the fucking fuck happened there

 

**_lewissimonlewis left the chat_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : i have sO MANY MORE QUESTIONS

 _huntersmoon_ : so, (ignoring that)

 _huntersmoon_ : where is helen and why can’t swearing conjure her appearance like normal

 _redheadartist_ : she wasn’t in class yesterday

 _redheadartist_ : also hi thank you for kicking raphael out

 _gingerinventor_ : it would seem that you all have quite a few areas where you lack communication…

 _huntersmoon_ : thank you for your observation, henry

 _gingerinventor_ : i wish you all the best!

 _gingerinventor_ : :{D

 _yinfen_ : this soon into the chapter and we already have this… mess

 _redheadartist_ : what

 _huntersmoon_ : what

 _yinfen_ : what

 

**_private chat between shapechangertess and yinfen_ **

****

_shapechangertess_ : hey… jem…

 _yinfen_ : tess, that’s your ‘you won’t like what i’m going to say’ tone

 _shapechangertess_ : you won’t like what i’m going to say

 _yinfen_ : hm

 _shapechangertess_ : BUT

 _shapechangertess_ : you know that you and will have to talk at some point.

 _yinfen_ : tess…

 _shapechangertess_ : nope, none of that sweet talking you and william both like to use, james.

 _shapechangertess_ : if i have to deal with more clashing angsty piano/violin playing i will cut the strings on both of your instruments, no matter what

 _yinfen_ : …

 _shapechangertess_ : will doesn’t even _play the piano_

 _yinfen_ : …ouch

 _shapechangertess_ : i love you both with all of my heart but fOR THE LOVE OF BOTH OF YOUR NICE FACES AND MY SANITY

 _shapechangertess_ : you better fucking _talk_

 _yinfen_ : i will try to, but i cannot promise that he will want to talk to me.

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m counting on it

 _shapechangertess_ : i love you, have fun

 _yinfen_ : tess you scare me

 _shapechangertess_ : :D

 

**_group chat ’queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_thehotblonde_ : anyone know the best way to get someone to LAY THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP MOVING

 _shapechangertess_ : depends…. kinky?

 _thehotblonde_ : it’s alec.

 _shapechangertess_ : oh

 _shapechangertess_ : unconsciousness

 _thehotblonde_ : that… isn’t a bad idea. thanks

 _huntersmoon_ : i second unconsciousness

 _huntersmoon_ : whether though force or drugs

 _womenkickass_ : please use sleeping pills and please do not overdose your brother on illegal drugs

 _redheadartist_ : we do not need a connor murphy

 _shapechangertess_ : ouch

 _huntersmoon_ : who?

 

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m proud

 _thehotblonde_ : okay new problem, he WON’T TAKE THE SLEEPING PILLS

 _redheadartist_ : what even happened

 _thehotblonde_ : alec broke (?) his wrist in his drunken state

 _redheadartist_ : what the fuck?

 _shapechangertess_ : wait seriously?!

 _huntersmoon_ : mood

 _shapechangertess_ : maia!

 _huntersmoon_ : sorry. uh.. is he okay?

 _thehotblonde_ : no, his wrist is broken

 _lottieofstress_ : Oh gosh, how did Alec manage to do that?

 _huntersmoon_ : ^^

 _redheadartist_ : h o w

 _redheadartist_ : hey charlotte

 _lottieofstress_ : Hi Clary, and everyone else. :)

 _thehotblonde_ : so alec got drunk at like… 5am? and decided to go to the backyard and try to use his bow to practice archery. drunk.

 _shapechangertess_ : this had already started out awfully

 _lottieofstress_ : This is… concerning, to say the least.

 _thehotblonde_ : this was after i tried to get him to sleep after finding him lying facefirst down on his bedroom floor

 _redheadartist_ : jfc

 _huntersmoon_ : how did this drunken archery cause a broken wrist?

 _thehotblonde_ : the idiot tripped over his feet and landed with his bow under his wrist

 _redheadartist_ : take him to the fucking hospital, jace!

 _thehotblonde_ : i would, except robert has the car and i can’t call an ambulance

 _lottieofstress_ : How much pain is alec in?

 _thehotblonde_ : not too much, he’s still yelling at me to stop spreading his shame

 _lottieofstress_ : Find him some painkillers, it may help when the feeling comes back.

 _huntersmoon_ : i’m going to kill that stupid boy

 _womenkickass_ : put his wrist on a pillow and elevate it, put some ice on it

 _womenkickass_ : take him to the hospital when he sobers up enough to be in enough pain to shut up

 _lottieofstress_ : As someone who went though medical school… that’s exactly what I would have said.

 _thehotblonde_ : will do

 _shapechangertess_ : char, you went through med school?

 _lottieofstress_ : When I was 19, I did a year in medical school, yes.

 _shapechangertess_ : jesus…

 _redheadartist_ : wait lyds… how do you know all that off the top of your head?

 _womenkickass_ : I’ve had experience in broken bones, to say the least

 _huntersmoon_ : uMMMM?!?

 _womenkickass_ : I mean, I currently have two broken fingers so… you could say I understand

 _redheadartist_ : WHAT

 _huntersmoon_ : LGDSDYIFF

 _shapechangertess_ : _LYDIA WHAT_

 _womenkickass_ : oh. yes.

 _huntersmoon_ : _i saw you boxing yesterday_

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : LYDIA EXPLAIN HOW WHEN WHAT WHO WHY N O W

 _womenkickass_ : it’s fine

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : _that’s not what i asked_

 _womenkickass_ : I broke my fingers punching Sebastian in the nose

 _redheadartist_ : i… i want to be angry at you breaking your fingers but honestly? well done

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : when was this?

 _womenkickass_ : remember the whole drama with Aline and Sebastian?

 _redheadartist_ : yea- oH

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you punched him?

 _womenkickass_ : well after the Carstairs girl yelled at him, he ran outside, and I knew something had bad had happened, so I got quite angry and...

 _huntersmoon_ : broke his fucking nose, lyds?

 _womenkickass_ : yes.

 _shapechangertess_ : wait, carstairs girl?

 _womenkickass_ : yes, wasn’t she the one to yell at Sebastian right after he attacked Aline?

 _shapechangertess_ : i had no idea it was her…

 _shapechangertess_ : shit, i have to go find her

 _huntersmoon_ : shit, the small angry blonde one?

 _redheadartist_ : sounds like jace

 _huntersmoon_ : she’s a mini jace, practically

 _womenkickass_ : that sounds like her

 _huntersmoon_ : fuck

 _womenkickass_ : …didI cause more issues?

 _huntersmoon_ : no, not at all, tessa and her boyfriends just try to look out for emma where they can

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : emma? carstairs? isn’t she helen’s foster sister, the freshman?

 _redheadartist_ : this is all hurting my head

 _huntersmoon_ : this is too much for me rip

 

**_private chat between santiagoaway and magnusificant_ **

****

_santiagoaway_ : are you online? i know you muted the groupchat.

 _magnusificant_ : you knew... ragnor told you?

 _santiagoaway_ : i asked him.

 _magnusificant_ : hm.

magnusificant: i’m not surprised you’ve befriended him. you’re both grumpy.

 _santiagoaway_ : he’s a teacher, i don’t blame him.

 _magnusificant_ : i guess not

 _magnusificant_ : what do you want, raphael? you never message me like this, not without teasing.

 _santiagoaway_ : i can’t believe i’m saying this

 _santiagoaway_ : i need your help

 _santiagoaway_ : you’ve had partners in the past

 _magnusificant_ : um, yes? i stg if you’re going to bitch about that…

 _santiagoaway_ : no. not that. just…

 _santiagoaway_ : how do you deal with a break up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahahahah _i'mtotallynothappyaboutthisendingnope_ (i am, it's been planned since chapter 13)  
>  if anyone has strong feelings about any of the events in this chapter (particularly saphael) lemme know cause it'll affect how this fic ends up!


	21. ...seriously??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tessa intervenes. isabelle helps. clary sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for the response to the last chapter! i wrote this chapter in a very short amount of time but hopefully its still fine.  
> there's a ramble in the endnotes btw, you may want to read it...

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

 

 _shapechangertess_ : well to be completely honest

 _shapechangertess_ : i had hoped my meddling would fix more issues than this.

 _shapechangertess_ : now we just have raphael and simon out of the chat, will and jem not home, alec with a broken wrist, lydia with broken fingers, helen not coming to school, and who knows what other issues that aren’t being openly complained about

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you forgot your mysterious running away to find emma

 _shapechangertess_ : oh, that too.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : she good?

 _shapechangertess_ : uh, yeah.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : was helen there?

 _shapechangertess_ : she wasn’t home, i asked

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : shit.

 _shapechangertess_ : anyone else have issues i can meddle in and potentially either make worse or fix??

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i mean my arm’s gone numb but that’s because clary is asleep on it

 _shapechangertess_ : i don’t think you and your girlfriend being cute is any kind of issue at all, no offense isabelle

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : other than it making typing _incredibly difficult_ it really isn’t, no

 _magnusificant_ : ladies… it’s like 1am why are you awake

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : magnus its like 7pm

 _magnusificant_ : …i may not have left the house in a few days so i forgot how to tell time

 _shapechangertess_ : there is a clock on your phone

 _shapechangertess_ : also i’m waiting for will and jem to return from ????

 _magnusificant_ : shhh just let us mopers mope in quiet at this hour

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : there you go tessa

 _shapechangertess_ : moping?

 

**_private chat between shapechangertess and magnusificant_ **

 

 _shapechangertess_ : magnus, does this have anything to do with alec getting drunk?

 _magnusificant_ : …

 _shapechangertess_ : this is a private chat, he can’t see you complain

 _magnusificant_ : okay so the other day some fuckhead, one of sebastian’s friends, was making shitty biphobic comments to me but i ignored him and walked past, alec saw what happened and told him to basically fuck off, and Dickfuck™ responded with the oh-so-intelligent “what is he, your boyfriend?” followed by some homophobic slurs

 _magnusificant_ : alec just glared before turning and walking away, literally just leaving me there

 _magnusificant_ : so then i followed him outside behind the hedges

 _shapechangertess_ : oh god, _that_ place.

 _magnusificant_ : let me finish

 _magnusificant_ : we essentially got into an argument because i said he can’t be halfway out of the closet and he said i didn’t understand what it was like for him, and then i left school and now its been three days of me skipping and i haven’t spoken to him.

 _shapechangertess_ : …jesus christ

 _shapechangertess_ : give me a minute to figure out how to properly answer this.

 _shapechangertess_ : you… get some water. i can _feel_ you getting angry. its like angrey magic or some shit. breathe.

 

**_private chat between shapechangertess and nothinglessthanseveninches_ **

****

_shapechangertess sent 3 photo messages_

_shapechangertess_ : i… UGH

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that… makes sense.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so now knowing this, i can say that alec’s blaming himself for not being out but is internally repeating all the homophobic shit that our parents have said to him as we grew up

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : feel free to repeat any of this to magnus, btw

 _shapechangertess_ : will do

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : one of them needs to actually admit what they’re thinking, soon, otherwise they’ll be stuck in a stalemate of in or out

 _shapechangertess_ : magnus doesn’t want to stay closeted and alec doesn’t know how to be out

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : if they were out, i’d tell them to be really fucking careful considering what happened with Sebastian not to long ago, and i don’t want to imagine what would happen is any of those dicks saw two guys holding hands

 _shapechangertess_ : mm yeah

 _shapechangertess_ : okay i have to respond to magnus before he gets sus

 

**_private chat between shapechangertess and magnusificant_ **

****

_magnusificant_ : okay, i got a drink.

 _magnusificant_ : …tessa? i can’t even see you typing.

 _magnusificant_ : don’t tell me you have to think this hard about what to say to not offend me

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m going to be brutally honest here and you won’t like it.

 _magnusificant_ : whatever, do your worst

 _shapechangertess_ : get out of your head and look at it from his point of view.

 _magnusificant_ : i might take my words back

 _shapechangertess_ : you’ve dealt with homophobia and biphobia because you refused to hide yourself, and you’ve (in a way that you shouldn’t have to) grown used to it and know how to not let it affect you

 _shapechangertess_ : he hasn’t. he’s grown up in a homophobic family being taught how to hide he honest parts of himself so his parents aren’t disappointed. he doesn’t know how to be out

 _shapechangertess_ : open your eyes magnus, the boy is _terrified_.

 _magnusificant_ : …shit. i fucked up, didn’t i?

 _shapechangertess_ : a bit. he needs to see it from your eyes as well though, because an argument takes two people.

 _magnusificant_ : is he home? do you know? i’ve just been offline so…

 _shapechangertess_ : yes, he just got back from the doctors. his wrist is in a splint, don’t tackle him.

 _shapechangertess_ : get cleaned up, visit your boyfriend. maybe text isabelle so she keeps him home.

 _shapechangertess_ : tell raphael to talk to ragnor, leave you alone

 _magnusificant_ : how did you…

 _shapechangertess_ : i have my ways

 

**_private chat between shapechangertess and nothinglessthanseveninches_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : all good?

 _shapechangertess_ : yeah, magnus is coming over

 _shapechangertess_ : i told him to text you to keep alec home

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : oh alec is home, he heard me scream at clary’s phone and told me to shut up because my volume was hurting his wrist

 _shapechangertess_ : you screamed at clary’s phone?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : simon. he complains to clary about his problems with raphael

 _shapechangertess_ : huh. raphael complains to magnus about his problems with simon

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i didn’t know raphael knew how to express emotions

 _shapechangertess_ : he and magnus have known each other for a long time, he’d only open up to him

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : hm. you learn something new everyday.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : okay, magnus just texted. fifteen minutes away.

 _shapechangertess_ : good luck… update me what you hear

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : will do

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : “i am… awake. and i will also help meddle in whatever you’re doing this time.” – clary

 

**_private chat between nothinglessthanseveninches and alighterwood_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : get up off your ass and take a shower an get dressed

 _alighterwood_ : No.

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : fuck off with your grammar

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you smell and you need to stop moping

 _alighterwood_ : i don’t smell

 _alighterwood_ : or mope

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : jace said you smell… that’s coming from him

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : also clary literally just asked me what you were stomping around in your room for

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : you woke y girlfriend from her much needed nap, now i’m forcing you to go take a shower

 _alighterwood_ : isabelle, you can’t force me todsjgihuiyftrgf

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : did i mention jace is on my side and can provide both the physical strength and motivation to force you into a cold shower fully dressed?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : while i have the capability, clary is lying across my chest so i don’t particularly want to move right now

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : enjoy your shower!

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_thehotblonde changed nothinglessthanseveninches’s name to ‘MEDDLER’_

_thehotblonde changed shapechangertess’s name to ‘MEDDLING’_

_thehotblonde_ : as a witness, i am proud but disappointed… this is all i will leave

 _MEDDLER_ : goddamn it jace

 _MEDDLER_ : you helped!

 _MEDDLING_ : hey, it worked, didn’t it?

 _redheadartist_ : ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh doknt jin ir

 _redheadartist_ : don’t jinx it

 _redheadartist_ : i can type

 _MEDDLER_ : sure babe

 _redheadartist_ : also lmao jace yeah ‘witness’?

 _redheadartist_ : witness my ASS i could hear it all… even from a safe distance

 _MEDDLING_ : hA CAUGHT

 _lottieofstress_ : Um… What’s going on?

 _MEDDLING_ : hi charlotte, we’re fixing one of the issues in our friend group through deception!

 _MEDDLING_ : this is tessa btw, meddler is izzy.

 _lottieofstress_ : Right.

 _lottieofstress_ : As long as everyone is safe, no one is hurt, and this is all coming from a place of love and good intent….

 _MEDDLER_ : of course

 _redheadartist_ : yes!

 _MEDDLING_ : yeppppp

 _lottieofstress_ : Then I see no issue, carry on! :)

 _MEDDLER_ : bless

 _MEDDLING_ : thanks charlotte xx (also btw this is why everyone thinks you’re older than you are, you TYPE LIKE IT’S A WORK EMAIL)

 _lottieofstress_ : Well I mean if I’m the chat mum, I have to keep it up the formalities, don’t i?

 _MEDDLING_ : you can let loose, char

 _lottieofstress_ : lmao finally yes

 _MEDDLER_ : w h a t

 _lottieofstress_ : how’s that?

 _redheadartist_ : WHO I S SHE

 _MEDDLER_ : WHO IS SHE

 _redheadartist_ : WHERE DID YOU F I N D H E R

 _MEDDLING_ : this seems more accurate for someone who’s LITERALLY ONLY 23

 _lottieofstress_ : okay, fine, i’ll chill out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, author honesty time.  
> i've fallen out of love with saphael.  
> the show made me love the ship, in a way i didn't reading the books, but now in the show, i hate raphael's character, so...  
> but!! this story is book and show canon! therefore i am making a certain mix of some characters (aka getting rid of some of the shitty parts). so, after seeing how people reacted to saphael, i will probably write their ending to please you guys, rather than my own original (sad) ideas.


	22. jesus fuck someone help these idiots...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon is sad. malec are okay. the meddling continues. plotting begins.

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

**_redheadartist added lewissimonlewis to the chat_ **

_lewissimonlewis_ : can’t a boy cry in peace

 _MEDDLER_ : nah lmao suffer

 _lewissimonlewis_ : i…

 _redheadartist_ : don’t even try it, lewis

 _lewissimonlewis_ : …

 

**_lewissimonlewis left the chat_ **

****

**_redheadartist added lewissimonlewis to the chat_ **

****

**_MEDDLER changed lewissimonlewis’s nickname to ‘sadboy’_ **

****

_sadboy_ : fitting

 _yinfen_ : wow, that being a mood? it’s more likely than you think!

 _MEDDLER_ : jem

 _MEDDLER_ : can i politely say

 _MEDDLER_ : what the fuck

 _yinfen_ : that was william, sorry, i wasn’t awake

 _redheadartist_ : slap him for using an Old Meme pls

 _MEDDLER_ : is tessa there with you guys?

 _yinfen_ : she’s sleeping still, she didn’t fall asleep until 4am, not after you meddled with magnus and alec, and while will and i weren’t home

 _nevertrustaduck_ : by the way, nice meddling

 _MEDDLER_ : thanks, it was a combined effort

 

**_redheadartist removed nothinglessthanseveninches’s nickname_ **

****

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : aw i was proud of that

 _redheadartist_ : alec will kill you if he sees reminders of how he had to have others interfere to fix his relationship

 _sadboy_ : wow how much did i miss

 _huntersmoon_ : what did _i_ miss

 _huntersmoon_ : i disappear from the drama for one day with my girlfriend and now simon’s back and magnus and alec are ??okay??

 _redheadartist_ : considering they were talking until late™ and they’re both still in alec’s (locked) room, i think they’re fine

 _nevertrustaduck_ : or one of them’s dead

 _sadboy_ : yikeys

 _redheadartist_ : oi that’s mine

 _sadboy_ : let me m o p e

 _MEDDLING_ : that sure sounds familiar

 _sadboy_ : no meddling in my non existent relationship

 _nevertrustaduck_ : woah, what?

 _huntersmoon_ : shit, you guys did break up?

 _sadboy_ : yeah.

 _yinfen_ : … do you mind me asking why?

 _sadboy_ : it was a lot of things, but we were together for 7 months or so and he never really acted like he cared?

 _sadboy_ : ik i’m oversharing but like he would never initiate affection? or say that he cared about me?

 _sadboy_ : and i’m not even talking about sex bc he’s asexual and didn’t want that but still…

 _sadboy_ : okay. i’m done. someone else share their suffering of the week

 _yinfen_ : um… i’m lying in bed sick, i guess?

 _redheadartist:_ shit… like flu sick or _sick_ sick?

 _yinfen_ : considering i was out in the park at 1am, probably both

 _redheadartist_ : will/tessa give him a hug from me <3

 _MEDDLING_ : will do

 _MEDDLING_ : wait im not being this alone

 

_**MEDDLING removed her nickname** _

 

 _nevertrustaduck_ : we’re literally all cuddled up under the blankets in bed, we already are

 _huntersmoon_ : shit that’s cute

 _huntersmoon_ : hope you feel better soon jem

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : ^^

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : y’all

_redheadartist sent a photo message_

_redheadartist_ : i was gonna go to the kitchen and get a glass of water but then i found this beautiful sight before my eyes

 _redheadartist_ : i have ascended

 _huntersmoon_ : is that… magnus?

 _nevertrustaduck_ : wearing a sack?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : holy shit

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that’s no sack

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that’s alec’s sacred sweater

 _thehotblonde_ : he always fucking wears that sweater

 _redheadartist_ : HE LOOKED TOO CUTE I HAD TO PHOTOGRAPH MAGNUS WITH NO MAKEUP IN ALEC’S SWEATER

 _nevertrustaduck_ : you are so lucky that he’s offline today

 _shapechangertess_ : i’m proud of you clary for getting that pic

 _redheadartist_ : hey, i had to capture the glorious aftermath of the meddling that i approved

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : <3

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : so i was super bored and read all of the chat history

 _thehotblonde_ : _why_

 _huntersmoon_ : i was _bored_

 _huntersmoon_ : anyway

 _huntersmoon_ : i was so bored that i tallied all the times people had left/been kicked out of the chat

 _thehotblonde_ : oh god you were really bored

 _huntersmoon_ : yeah

 _redheadartist_ : so? who’s left us the most?

 _huntersmoon_ : simon

 _sadboy_ : trust

 _huntersmoon_ : he’s left four times and been kicked out once

 _sadboy_ : well you all know that i’m great at leaving

 _thehotblonde_ : what the fuck

 _huntersmoon_ : simon…

 _sadboy_ : no, it’s fine, i’m fine

 _redheadartist_ : it’ll be okay, simon

 _sadboy_ : …sure.

 _sadboy_ : i need to go

 _redheadartist_ : are you sure?

 _sadboy_ : bye

 

**_sadboy left the chat_ **

_huntersmoon_ : shit

 _redheadartist_ : i’ve never seen him like this before

 _thehotblonde_ : well…

 _thehotblonde_ : he so obviously cares about raphael but out of fear that his feelings weren’t reciprocated to the same level he ended it to save himself from heartbreak further in the future

 _huntersmoon_ : …

 _redheadartist_ : …

 _thehotblonde_ : sorry, were you expecting me to be a dick??

 _redheadartist_ : uh not exactly….

 _huntersmoon_ : i was

 _thehotblonde_ : nice to know you both have faith in me

 _huntersmoon_ : a n y w a y

 _huntersmoon_ : can’t we help him in any way?

 _redheadartist_ : more meddling?

 _thehotblonde_ : i’m in

 _redheadartist_ : okay i’m sure you’re drunk, jace, you’re never this nice to simon

 _thehotblonde_ : would you rather me explain my own actions or just try and help your best friend?

 _redheadartist_ : um. okay let’s just plan

****

**_private chat between thehotblonde and lewissimonlewis_ **

_thehotblonde_ : if you ever need someone to rant to that won’t pity you

 _thehotblonde_ : uh

 _thehotblonde_ : i’m here, or whatever

 

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : so anyone who wants to meddle in another relationship lemme know bc we’re gonna create a separate group chat

 _shapechangertess_ : ooh add me & will

 _yinfen_ : i’m scared of raphael but i’ll get tess to tell me what happens, leave me out

 _magnusificant_ : biscuit, are you trying to mess with simon and raphael?

 _redheadartist_ : …maybe

 _magnusificant_ : why? they broke up, let them be sad

 _shapechangertess_ : sure, and what if we just let you be sad after you fought with your boyfriend? where would you be now? still sad?

 _magnusificant_ : ouch, tessa

 _shapechangertess_ : point proven?

 _magnusificant_ : fine. don’t include me though, raphael would kill me

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : anyone seen or heard from aline or helen recently?

 _redheadartist_ : i saw aline around the other day but didn’t get to talk, haven’t seen helen

 _shapechangertess_ : just leave them out for now?

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : probably safer

 _huntersmoon_ : add me and lyds

 _nothinglessthanseveninches_ : Lydia as well?

 _huntersmoon_ : we’re hanging out and yeah she wants to be included. she doesn’t like the conflict

 _redheadartist_ : chill

 

**_redheadartist added thehotblonde, nothinglessthanseveninches, shapechangertess, nevertrustaduck, huntersmoon and womenkickass_ **

****

**_redheadartist changed the chat name to ‘meddlers xx’_ **

****

_redheadartist_ : welcome, friends

 _redheadartist_ : let us begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before people start screaming at me - jimon won't happen, please don't read jace being nice as 'oOoH rOmAnTiC _hOw dArE sHe_ '


	23. never ever, ever getting back together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rules are set. aline appears then disappears. the meddlers begin to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really not happy with this chapter tbh... oh well  
> fun fact: as of the date this chapter is being posted, it's been 369 days since i made saphael canon (i missed the one year rip sorry)

**_group chat ‘meddlers xx’_ **

****

_shapechangertess_ : why do we get so excited about messing with our frineds’ lives?

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : bc its fun

_huntersmoon_ : okay but!! rules!!

_redheadartist_ : probably a good idea

_shapechangertess_ : mm yep

_huntersmoon_ : 1) if either of them find out, we stop

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : that’s fair

_nevertrustaduck_ : noice. smort.

_huntersmoon_ : 2) if they show interest in other people (doubtful, but still) we stop

_shapechangertess_ : actually yeah…

_huntersmoon_ : 3) if our meddling becomes more harmful then helpful, we stop

_thehotblonde_ : these are all good points

_huntersmoon_ : thanks, lyds and i came up with them

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : bless

_huntersmoon_ : i’m not that smart by myself

_huntersmoon_ : she says that she would have sent them but her broken fingers hurt so

_thehotblonde_ : are broken fingers worth sebastian’s broken nose and destroyed dignity?

_huntersmoon_ : “yes” – L

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m still so proud of you lydia

_huntersmoon_ : lmao same

_redheadartist_ : can we return to scheming now?

_shapechangertess_ : ofc

_redheadartist_ : so we need to basically prove to simon that raphael does care about him

_nevertrustaduck_ : which he does, because magnus as good as said so

_thehotblonde_ : he did?

_shapechangertess_ : he said that raphael would kill him, and i know that raphael ranted to him, so we can assume that raphael has feelings and is hurt by the breakup since magnus is basically the only person raphael opens up to

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i’m trusting you on that one, i cannot read raphael’s emotions

_huntersmoon_ : but we do know simon

_redheadartist_ : that we do

 

**_group chat ‘queerly beloved, we have gathered here to gay’_ **

****

_gaylinepenhallow_ : so…

_gaylinepenhallow_ : how much have i missed?

_redheadartist_ : aline!!

_shapechangertess_ : hey!

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : where have you been??

_gaylinepenhallow_ : my parents took me on one of their work trips so i had no wifi for roughly the past week, sorry

_shapechangertess_ : how are you?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : tired and sad

_gaylinepenhallow_ : very sad to hear about all the mess that’s also happened

_huntersmoon_ : wait, why sad?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : don’t worry

_redheadartist_ : not likely

_shapechangertess_ : are you okay, aline?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : yeah, i’ll be fine

_huntersmoon_ : is helen okay?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : uh, i’m not sure.

_gaylinepenhallow_ : shit, i have to go

_gaylinepenhallow_ : bye

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : jesus Christ

 

**_private chat between gaylinepenhallow and huntersmoon_ **

_gaylinepenhallow_ : hey so i’m not as close with everyone in that chat + helen is there but

_gaylinepenhallow_ : when was the last time you spoke to hel?

_huntersmoon_ : shit, probably close to a week ago?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : fuck

_huntersmoon_ : what’s going on, aline?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : the last time we properly spoke was also about a week ago, and since then she’s been in the chat once and she deleted messages and now won’t talk to me

_huntersmoon_ : shit

_huntersmoon_ : it could be something with her family?

_gaylinepenhallow_ : i don’t know

_gaylinepenhallow_ : bc you know i was out on that trip with mom so haven’t been able to see her, and she’s been ignoring or not getting my messages

_huntersmoon_ : go see her

_gaylinepenhallow_ : ..should i?

_huntersmoon_ : uh, yes.

_huntersmoon_ : if somethings happened, she probably wants someone there for her.

_huntersmoon_ : my point is, go be there for her because she’s most likely alone and wants to see you

_gaylinepenhallow_ : i…

_huntersmoon_ : if you say any kind of ‘what if’ i’m gonna drag you to helen’s house by your hair

_gaylinepenhallow_ : okay, okay, i’m going

_huntersmoon_ : bring her a hot drink or something

_gaylinepenhallow_ : i’ll detour via her favourite café on the way to her place

_huntersmoon_ : good. do that.

_gaylinepenhallow_ : thanks, maia

_huntersmoon_ : anytime

_huntersmoon_ : i know a thing or two about ignoring girlfriends thanks to gretel

_gaylinepenhallow_ : mm fair enough

_gaylinepenhallow_ : hey, once helen and i sort ourselves out and she’s okay, we should go on a double date again

_huntersmoon_ : definitely :)) but for now go be a good girlfriend

 

**_group chat ‘meddlers xx’_ **

****

_huntersmoon_ : i can say that helen + aline should be okay, they’re going to see eachother and sort out whatever the fucks going on there, and that’s all i’ll say about that

_redheadartist_ : oh thank god

_shapechangertess_ : bless

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : nothing is right when those two aren’t okay

_redheadartist_ : they’re practically married and they’re only seventeen omg

_huntersmoon_ : well helen has all her siblings, so they’re practically their children

_shapechangertess_ : the blackthorn kids are so cute honestly im emotional

_redheadartist_ : rt

_huntersmoon_ : rt

_thehotblonde_ : is it just me or does helen’s brother with the black hair remind anyone else of alec?

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : …honestly? yeah

_thehotblonde_ : i’ve never spoken a word to the kid but just based off how he looks… moody and dark hair = mini alec

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : i see it

_shapechangertess_ : i kinda know the kids so i feel weird agreeing bc their personalities are _SO DIFFERENT_ but i guess they kinda look the same

_huntersmoon_ : okay back to our regularly scheduled saphael meddling

_redheadartist_ : we need to get simon and raphael to talk, which requires them being in the same place at the same time at least

_redheadartist_ : and if one of them is motivated to talk to the other then the other will be more likely to listen

_thehotblonde_ : but how are we supposed to get them motivated?

_thehotblonde_ : lock them in a closet together?

_redheadartist_ : too much force needed

_huntersmoon_ : ...this is hard without knowing raphael too well

_shapechangertess_ : if raphael speaks to simon, we know simon will probably listen. if simon speaks to raphael, its quite likely that raphael will walk away and ignore him

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : so we need to convince raphael to open up to simon

_nothinglessthanseveninches_ : and get them to listen to eachother

_nevertrustaduck_ : sure, no big deal, easy as pie

_nevertrustaduck_ : why not just ask jesus to make the sun purple while we’re at it

_shapechangertess_ : too far, will

_nevertrustaduck_ : rip

_redheadartist_ : he has a point though, they’re both too hurt and stubborn to be willing to even be near eachother rn

_thehotblonde_ : actually i have an idea that might work

_redheadartist_ : oh no

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay there's been like 4 chapters of this fic in a week and a bit, and that's kinda just making up for the lack of chapters in recent months + probably the limited chapters in the future.  
> i'm about to start my final term of year eleven, then i'm starting year twelve, aka stress _stress **stressSTRESS**_  
>  so idk how long until the next chapter, but this plot should give me some content for a little while.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is [ pathetical-errors](https://pathetical-errors.tumblr.com), if you wanna follow me. although, it's mostly musical posts.


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